The NEW New Adventures of Captain Planet- Vol. 2

[HalloweenJack]

Bullseye vs John Matrix




*Bullseye has gotten a mysterious message to meet someone at a remote toolshed in a battle to the death.....he enters it....and sees none other than Colonel John Matrix lighting up a cigar*


*Bullseye pulls out a throwing star*

Bullseye: Smokings bad for you.

Matrix: No....I'm bad for smoking.

*Bullseye shears the cigar in half and grins*

Matrix: You really shouldn't have done that. Cause now you did the wrong thing.

Bullseye: And what's that?

*extreme closeup*

Matrix: You made me mad.


*Bullseye lobs throwing stars, daggers, buzzsaws, garden hoes, and pretty much everything at Matrix. Matrix blocks them all with the stuff he's throwing*

Bullseye: DAMN IT!


*Bullseye starts throwing harder....Matrix just grabs the objects out of the air and starts juggling them*


Matrix: Das ist good no?


Bullseye: This can't be happening!


Matrix: Reality is defined by perception. I mean, look at me, my last name is Matrix!


Bullseye: Why won't you just die?!

Matrix: Once I told Death to fly or die. Death flew like a little bitch and has left me alone ever since. Observe.


*Matrix walks over to a Kitchen Sink lying in the toolshed for some apparent reason. He hits it*


Matrix: FLY OR DIE!


*The Sink shoots off into the air and slams Bullseye out of the shed*


Matrix: Ha ha ha. Funny little girly man Colin Ferrell gets taken out by a sink! HA HA HA!


*Bullseye lies there in pain*


Bullseye: This sink....hits even harder than....Daredevil.....*pases out*



*He wakes up and is hanging from Matrix's hand over a ravine*


Bullseye: OH HELL NO! I've already had my spin broken once like this!

Matrix: One question, Ferrell....where's my daughter?

Bullseye: Daughter?

Matrix: You heard me gooshy head! Where?!!

Bullseye: I don't know man! I don't know!


Matrix: Well...I guess that's just too bad.....FOR YOU!


*drops Bullseye who falls screaming like Goofy in those old Disney cartoons*

"YAAAH HOO HOOO WHEEEEE!"

*cloud of dust at the bottom*

Warrior: Verily....He did go splat in the cavernous .....canyon. Twas Chris Kanyon who was in times past a lackey to Raven....who tried to pierce his brain and lo....this led to a losing streak.


*Matrix stares at him...lights up a cigar*


Matrix: Go on.


Warrior: Twas in this time that *looks at the cigar* WINNERS DON'T SMOOOOOOOOOOKE!

Matrix: Then I'm a loser.....


*picks up Warrior and tosses him into the canyon*


Matrix:....not.


*his cell rings*


Matrix: Hello? Oh hey pumpkin. Where are you? Oh right....you're on Charmed now...I keep forgetting......yes, I snuffed a few lives trying to find you, what of it? Hey, I'm governor, I'll decide who lives and dies. Okay sweetie, daddy's going to go kill more people now. Don't forget we're having dinner with your sister Eliza Dushku, Junior, and John Connor this week. Love you too honey. Bye.


*Matrix puts his cell phone up....pulls out a small mirror and looks in it*


Matrix: FLY OR DIE!


*Matrix shoots off into the air, puffing his cigar*


Matrix: Works everytime.


*Drops the cigar on the battered bodies of Bullseye and the Warrior*


Bullseye: I hates that varmint.

Warrior: Verily...I hateth that varmint too.

[HalloweenJack]

Back to our Original Programming





Thanos: Back to Thanos and Doom's...


Doom: That's Doom and Thanos's!


Thanos: Advice to the stars.....because all you've ever wanted to see is two uber villains who've both been disgraced by Squirrel Girl dish out advice.


Doom: That was a Doombot! *crosses arms and sulks*


Thanos:...it was really me....at least according to that badly drawn Watcher....but nevertheless...we've taken measures to insure that little hussy never insults us again.



*Squirrel Girl is walking down the street, when suddenly a Black Hummer hits her....which is pretty much lost on anyone who didn't watch WCW in 1999....to make a long story short it was Eric Bischoff...though he was announcing at the time*



Doom: MUAHAHAHAHAHAA! Now...all we need is to get that accursed moose and the world is Doom's oyster!


Thanos: Moving along, we have an eclectic team of jobbers today that we'd like to get started on. First we have...Jean Loring.

Doom: Seven months of indentity crisis and SHE'S the villain! Dooms scoffs slitherly...sss.

Thanos: I thought it paid off well actually. No one liked her. No one saw it coming. Now she's bonded to Eclipso and has started the Spectre to destroy magick. She may even be a Captain Marvel foe.

Doom: As if anyone other than Ares cared about that.

Thanos: Point well taken. Regardless, she'll be a major face at DC. At least until a fan group like HEAT forms to demand Bruce Gordon back as Eclipso....which really isn't going to happen. Cheers you psycho bitch!


Doom: Now comes Attuma...who was actually a badass villain once. So much so that Doom had him help spoil the Accursed Richards' wedding. Of course comics have evolved since then....



*Avengers....wherever*

Cap: So...have we actually...ya know...done anything in New Avengers yet?

Iron Man: Page after page of dialogue and the occasional Spider-Woman cockstroke.

Wolverine: Heh...guess that makes her Spider-Man

Spidey: I'm Spider-Man!

Wolverine: Quiet...yer Spider-Borg now.

Cap: Page after page of this shit. Just page after page.



*back to the show*


Doom: Perhaps you'll get back into the limelight again....the same time that Namor does!

*Doom pulls a string and Attuma falls into a vat of sea water*

Thanos: Man, HJ isn't even trying anymore.

Doom: No alcohol today.

Thanos: AH. Well, our next villain is......another water villain. Wow, two losers in a row.

Doom: Though he did have a cool voice on the Superfriends.

Black Manta: I bzzt still bzzt do.

Thanos: So....your powers....you can do what exactly?

Black Manta: I...bzzt er...can bzzt swim.

Doom: That's it? No elaborate skyscraper launchings? No army of robot clones or even a sexy sister like Umar?

*Black Manta shrugs and raises his shoulders*

Thanos: Hmm....this is a tough one. Though there is help, if you really want it bad enough.

Black Manta: I bzzt need any I bzzt can get.


*later*


Hudlin: Okay, let me holla at ya playa. There's been too much Haterade drinkin at DC if ya feel me. They keep pushin' Super Cracker to the moon and ignore a playa who's just keepin it real like you. Here's your angle...you're an Aquaman foe, and for years he's secretly been jealous that you SWIM BETTER. Only in Revisionist America!


Doom: Ah the Cheetah....hmm

*Cheetah's purring and rubbing up against Doom and Thanos's legs*

Thanos: Uh...this is kind of uncomfortable. I have a girlfriend and all.

Doom: And Doom is married to Accursed Richards' wife now. That doesn't mean Doom can stop looking at oddly erotic anthorpamorphic poonani!

*Cheetah is sexily playing with a ball of yarn*

Doom: Doom shall...advise her privately.

Thanos: Too late.


*Cheetah's walking off with Edge. He gives a thumbs up*


Doom: CURSE HIS CHISLED CANADIAN FEATURES! Oh well...Cheetahs never prosper. I mean look at the Cheetos mascot. It took him like twenty years to actually get any cheetos.

Thanos: Makes you wonder how the Trix Rabbit is doing.




*downtown...*

Trix Rabbit: SWEAR TO GOD I'LL BLOW HER HEAD OFF!

*He's holding a kid at gun point*

Trix Rabbit: Just give me what I want!

Negotiator: Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids!

Trix Rabbit: GOD DAMN IT, STOP SAYING THAT!

*opens fire*


Doom: Who's next?

Thanos: Zoom.

Doom: Zoom? Doom and Zoom...Doom and Zoom...I smell crossover! Doom and Zoom! Dr. D and Mr. T! The marketing astounds even Doom! Where is this yellow speedster?

Thanos: Off kicking the Flash's ass I suppose. He's cool, just as long as he stays away from Wonder Woman and Greg Rucka. How she nailed him in between the seconds I'll never know.

Rucka: Very simple...the penis is evil!

Doom: True, but less evil than I! *incinerates Rucka* Oooh. That felt good.

Thanos: Now we have...heh...Perg Degaton.

Doom: I hate to steal from Kreuzitter, but who?

Thanos: Time travelling despot. Likes to fuck with great heroes.

Doom: Oh you mean that snivelling coward, Kang.

Thanos: No...totally different snivelling coward.

Doom: Really?

Thanos: He was pretty cool in JSA about a year ago, but other than that, eh.

Doom: Will we advise him?

Thanos: Probably not. We'll just let Geoff Johns write him. He's the only one that seems to give a damn about him anyway.

Doom: Too true. What the? Proteus?

Thanos: We're really scraping the bottom of the barrel huh?

Doom: So, he's like what? One of those potentially most powerful mutants ever?

Thanos: Pretty much. Hell, I'm one of those if you want to be technical.

Doom: Hmm...Proteus...come here please.


*Proteus walks up, altering reality with each step*

Doom: Tell Doom something, what kind of weakness is this?


*Doom repeatedly punches Proteus with his metal gauntlets. Proteus just falls to the ground wheezing like the high school nerd he is*


Proteus: A...a....stupid one?


Doom: Go get in line. *Doom points*


*Proteus goes and stands in line with Alan Scott and Martian Manhunter*


Hal Jordan: Sucks to be you losers huh?


Proteus: Sucks to be a cop out doesn't it?

*Tears fall from Hal's face*


Doom: See...Proteus should just be used as a monster who totally destroys a hero's state of mind. Like Wolverine. And then he should be overcome.


*Hal whacks Proteus with Beak's titanium baseball bat*


Hal: I'M PARALLAX JAMES, BITCH!


Thanos: Okay...now...King Hyperion. Hmmm.


Doom: Doom has no input. Exiles is going to be canned.


Thanos: Sounds good enough to me. Let the real despots do the conquering! And by the way...check into rehab!




*At rehab*


Hyperion: I....have a problem.

Nurse: The nature of it?

Hyperion: Snorting Holocaust.

Nurse: Have a seat.


*Hyperion sits between Speedy (hee hee, an apt name eh?) and Iron Man*

Hyperion: What you in for?

Iron Man: The pacing in New Avengers drove me back to alcohol.



*Avengers Tower*

Cap: Anything yet?

Wolverine: Nope. I've been in eighty X-books in the time we've been here.

Spider-Borg: Resistance is futile.


Doom: Black Adam! Finally someone worth a damn!

Thanos: And so much more interesting than Captain Marvel!



*Ares curses at the screen*


Doom: You could go either way. Should you decide to embrace villainy, then welcome to our Fraternity! Should you become a hero....then face Doom's frosty wrath.

Thanos: I became a hero.

Doom: DON'T BOTHER DOOM WITH TRIVIALITIES!

Thanos: Is that a word?

Doom: OF COURSE IT'S A WORD! DO YOU QUESTION DOOM?!!

Thanos: ...Adam just keep up what you're doing. People seem to respect you now, for the first time in ever. Now don't screw it up by appearing in a Superman book.


Doom: Indeed. Look at this cover!


*Holds up a Superman book with Supes crucified on it*

Thanos: This DC thing is getting out of control.

*Thanos quickly puts away the issues where he and Doom are crucified on the cover*

Thanos: Ahem....next!

Doom: SWEET SUSAN AFTER SEX! THAT'S THE SECOND BIGGEST BEAVER DOOM'S EVER SEEN!

*Thanos looks up to see Giganta standing above them*

Thanos: I have seen the gates of hell...and they are hairy.

Doom: Just...just go entertain those Gen X'ers who watched the Superfriends....that's all you're good for.


*Giganta lumbers away*


Thanos: Maybe you shouldn't have said Gen X'ers.

Doom: Why not?



*Jubilee, M, and Skin start shrieking when the Godzilla sized Poon starts walking their way*

Doom: Eh...just call Pym. He'll settle her hash but good! What's next?

Thanos: Thanagar.

Doom: Relation of yours? Sister? Brother? Purported granddaugher?

Thanos: Planet I blew up. People with wings bug me. *shurgs* I did save one specimen though. It's our new stagehand, which is probably why we got our cards messed up and had Thanagar booked to show up.

*A winged ape is flinging poo at the boom mic operator*

Doom: Woe to those who displease the HawkRilla, for his feces is rank!

Thanos: Now we have...Brother Eye...Jesus this just gets more depressing.

Doom: Brother Eye? Is he a hippie?

Thanos: Jack Kirby created satillite that's been revamped for the new times. I think Batman created it.

Doom: Paranoid twat isn't he?

Thanos: Yeah. There's really no need in mentioning it. It'll all be over in a few months and lost in continuity with Aquarian and the Spider-Baby, until someone wants to bring it up again in another thirty years.

Doom: For the best then. It looks as if we are all done here.


*the door is kicked in*


Captain Pollution: WHOOO! I'm back, baby!


*Cap walks over to the table between Thanos and Doom (DOOM AND THANOS!) and picks up their beer and starts chugging it*

Cap P: mmm...the old liver feels polluted already!

Doom: Who is this tallow skinned tot?

Thanos: That's Captain Pollution.

*Doom narrows his eyes, then they widen*

Doom: DOOM LIKES HIS STYLE!

Thanos: So does Thanos...I mean...me.

Cap P: So what? You're like...big monster villains?

Thanos: Pretty much.

Cap P: Sweet. Let's go raise some hell!

*Captain Planet storms out*

Cap: NOW JUST A DAMN MINUTE! What's HE doing here?

Doom: Replacing you.

Cap: What?! But...but...I thought you liked me?

Doom: Doom faked it.

*Thanos smacks Cap out a window and onto the street hard*


Cap: Ow....well this sucks.


*looks around*

Cap: THIS SUCKS MORE!


*Cap is run down by a Black Hummer*


*Said hummer stops...and starts bouncing. The window rolls down*

Eddy: Just a little divine intervention, esse!


*Eddy Gurrerro drives off, lying, cheating, and stealing....mostly stealing*

[HalloweenJack]

many moons ago as Apache Chief tells time*


Odin: Forsooth! We be here at the Multiversal Olympics!

King: Check it out...I'm young and don't have a gut....well less of one

JR: Indeed my patriarchial friend...

Odin: Thy Parkinsens hasn't hit yet! Wonderful!

JR: And check out my abs!

King: ....damn you JR.

Odin: Be this as it may, we are here as I doth smile down upon the legends competing here today.

JR: THe Olympics are rather scant this year... DC is dominating this year what with many of the Marvel contigent having either not been created yet or frozen in blocks of ice.





*The Titanic hits an iceberg*

Captain America: muahahahaha.




JR: Superman himself has neglected to respresent DC citing he would rather be the entire Kryptonian team at once.

King: Yeah...despite the fact that Krypton has more sole survivors than JFK has mistresses.


JFK: I er have been zinged and I er love it!

*three red dots appear on his head as a Predator growls*


King: So Superman is the whole team huh?


Supes: Yes...and an announcer too. outta the way gay cowboy


*Supes smacks JR out of the booth to where he hits his head*

JR: BAH GAWD! MY FACE HAS BEEN BROKEN IN HALF...THIS COULD BE GOOD FOR MY CAREER! BAH GAWD!

King: Do something Odin!

Odin: nay little monarch, for this be Pre Crisis and that man gives Omnipotent Odin the heebie jeebies!

Supes: Heh. To sum up, these competitions have been over relatively quickly. I placed first in the swim meet.


*Superman goes through the water at a leisurely pace. Namor comes in second and angrily declares war on the surface world again. Aquman meanwhile comes in dead last as ...well see for yourself*


*Aquaman pauses in mid stroke and observes the floating ropes to keep the swimming lanes seperate*

Aquaman: What manner of sea creature are you? Not talking eh? Well I have ways around that.


USING HIS AMAZING TELEPATHIC POWERS....Aquaman gets nowhere in his attempts to communicate.


*12 hours later*

Aquaman: I can wait all night for you to speak up sexy thing.




Supes: Then I placed first in the weight lifting competition.




*Superman lifts the entire planet and spins it on his finger like a basketball.....the Harlem Globetrotters theme plays...and Superman keeps the ball away from several Celestials before chucking it into a black hole....stylishly*


Supes: Heh heh...OH CRAP!


*Flies in....pulls it back out..*

Celestial: Show off.

Supes: Hey, you guys never speak.

Celestial: Only when lesser beings are present. This is clearly Pre Crisis, Lord our God.






Supes: Then, I easily took first place in the chili cookoff.


*Superman gets awarded a gold metal while a young man pouts nearby*


Doom: BAH! Doom should have won that chili cookoff. Doom places there squarely on you Richards!

Reed: Victor, your calculations on the preheating were off.

Doom: Doom's calculations are never off! Begone!

Reed: Tool.

*Doom looks to the giant cauldron of chili and kicks the stove....said caludron falls on him*

Doom: MY FACE! MY FACE! DAMN YOUR RICHARDS! I SO SWEAR FROM THIS DAY FORWARD THAT YOU WILL PAY...PAAAAAAY!



Supes: And now we come to the 100 meter dash...which is kind of pointless since these guys can run at the speed of light.

King: Can we get a word in edge wise?

Supes: No.

Odin: Tis a puzzlement as to why you aren't in said race oh Messiah.

Supes: I....I didn't want to be a glory hog. *Sweats bullets*

Odin: and here we go.




Jay Garrick: Now remember Barry, just run at your regular pace. Don't go too fast.

Barry Allen: Oh yeah....like if I run too fast I'll blow myself up.

*rimshot*

Barry: What the hell?

Captain Marvel: Hmmm....can the speed of Mercury help me win this? What say you Shazam?

Shazam: I say that you should just search your patrons for that answer youth.

Marvel: Okay! Guys?


Solomon: Why you asking me for? I'm a dumbass. Read a book...A REAL BOOK...and you'll see I was unanimously the worst king of Israel ever!

Hercules: Forsooth! Where be The Odinson? He and THe Prince of Power are supposed to chase skirt at the godling formal!

Atlas: Fucking Superman...showing off throwinng the world around. And he gets a medal. I do it for centuries and what do I get? Two herniated disks.

Zeus: Say mine noble son Hercules, dost thou need a ride to the formal? And how young be the maidens there? Aw it matters little.

Achilles: Troy was an underrated movie for me, though I was better in Mr. and Mrs. Smith.

Mercury: I'm a damn liquid metal, why ya askin me for?



Marvel: Shazam...I don't think my patrons are all they're cracked up to be.

Shazam: There there, you're just having an off day Billy.*snickers* dumbass kid.


Wonder Woman: Get your hands off me!

*Several cops lead her away in handcuffs*

Cop: You took steroids to get here lady! You're gone!

WW: I never took steroids!

Cop: Then why's your back hairy?

WW: I'm an Amazon!

Cop: Yeah, yeah, take He-Bitch here away.

WW: You're so lucky my creator was a BDSM enthusiast or I'd bring you peace...WITH FISTS!


Barry: No sweat this year man.

"I'm here!"

Barry: Oh hell...the ringer.



*Charles Xavier walks onto the field....long blonde locks....muscular thighs....full pouting lips*

Supes: GULP!

King: Oh...I see...you KNEW you couldn't outrun him.

Supes: No! That's not it...I'm bowing out gracefully.

Xavier: HEY SUPERMAN!

Superman: AAAAAAAAAAAAAH! *flies away so fast he goes back in time*


*years past*

Larry: Hey! Look at in the sky! Let's follow it! Truly it's a sign of the Messiah!

Moe: I'll Messiah you.

Larry: Moe, no! Not after what happened to Curly!


*Curly on a cross*

Curly: Don't crucfify me! I'm a victim of cerkumstance!




*back in the present...past...whatevr*


Magneto: Are you sure of this Charles?

Xavier: What better way to spread the message that mutants are like everyone else than to totally show up humans en masse Erik?

Magneto: Hmm...excellent point.

Xavier: Now excuse me while I show these bitches up.

Referee Miles Lane: On your mark...get ready....LETS GET IT ON!


*Xavier zooms out ahead , running backwards showing off to the much slower Flash and Marvel*

Xavier: Take that flatscans!

*meanwhile*

Sue: Thanks for taking me out to see this event Reed!

Reed: No problem Sue. This takes my mind off losing the cookoff...plus you're not a whore yet like in our future strips!

Sue: Awww.

Reed: You havr ranch dressing on your lips dear.

Sue: Yeah...ranch dressing...*licks it off* oooooooh yeah....Prince of the Seven Seas indeed.

*not far away*

Doom: Doom has you in his sights Richards.


*points flamethrower at Reed's head*

Reed: Inspector Clouseau! What are you doing here?

Clouseau: A very brief cameouh.

Reed: What?

Clouseau: What?

Reed: You said cameouh.

Clouseau: I knouw perfectlay well what I said think you! I just came overe to tell you that your fly in unzip-ed.


Reed: Oh well....*bends over...flames shoot past his head and strike Xavier as he showboats*


Xavier: My hair! My hair!

*Xavier franticaly tries to put his hair out at Clouseau watches*

Clouseau: Whot a terribluh inceident.

*Clouseau's hat spins around from a gunshot that unfortunately hits Xavier in the back*

Doom: You're not doing any better are you?

Dreyfuss: KILL HIM! KILL HIM! *breaks sniper rifle over his leg*

Doom: Hmm....perhaps it best that I use only overly elaborate plans in the future?

Magneto: Charles!

Xavier: Erik....I...I can't feel my legs.

Magneto: YOU HOMO SAPIENS AND YOUR GUNS!

*Magneto flies off causing carnage*

Xavier: Oh well....least I can open up that school I always wanted now. But who won the race?

Supes: That would be me.

Xavier: Aren't you done hogging up the limelight?

Supes: Excuse me gloryhound, but I just caused the Big Bang a few minutes ago when I flew back through time.

Xavier: Hmmm...I still sense that....you're a dick.

Supes: .... *kicks Xavier*


Odin: Well, that doth just about wrap things uppeth here.

King: Until next time HJ has one of these nocturnal emissions he calls stories.

JR: SO SAY WE ALL BAH GAWD!








*Batman decloaks*


Batman: Didn't see me at all this strip did you? Hh,. Gadget worked.

[HalloweenJack]

Kaiju Khaos


*the monsters square off in the devastated heart of Tokyo*



Godzilla: Ghidorah....I might have known. And you brought a date. How sweet of you.

Anguirus: ARF! ARF! ARF!

Godzilla: Quiet chum.

Gigan: Date? DATE?!! How dare you inssssult me like that.

Ghidorah: Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk!

Godzilla: I think you boys need to be taught some manners....you obviously don't know how to keep things tidy around here.

Gigan: I don't know who you are, but you'll pay for sssuch bold words!

Godzilla: Don't know who I am? *tail smacks Gigan* I'M GODZILLA BITCH!

Anguirus: GRROOOOOWL!

Ghidoarh: Uh....Godzilla?

Godzilla: What?

*sees Anguirus is humping Ghidorah's leg*

Godzilla: BAD KAIJU! BAD!

*Godzilla smacks Anguirus with a rolled up newspaper factory*

Anguirus: *whimper*

Godzilla: Awww...how can I stay mad at a face like that?

*Ghidorah blasts Godzilla with gravity beams*

Ghidorah: WHOO WHOO WHOO WHOO...NYAAAAAH!

*Anguirus leaps backwards at Ghidorah hitting him with the spikes*

Gigan: Blasssst that flea bitten fool! If only I had handssss, I could throw a ssssstick and make him chasssse it!

Godzilla: Why do you sound like Cobra Commander?

Gigan: It'ssss a joke HJ thinksss will be funny. Like this...CLIPPITY CLAW!

*Gigan spikes Godzilla's head*

Godzilla: OW! That really hurt!

*Godzilla doubles over and holds bleeding head*

Godzilla: Oh no...I can't see. I'll sue!

Gigan: Sssue? No! You can't sssue! Thossse roachesss aren't paying me enough to handle that! I live in their garage!

*Godzilla swings head up and blasts Gigan*

Godzilla: GIGATONNAGE BITCH!

Gigan: CURSSSED ALEDERAAN DEFENSSS FIELDSSS FADING!

*Gigan flies up in the clouds and comes back down, stabbing Godzilla's shoulder*

Godzilla: SON OF GODZILLA THAT HURTS!

*Gigan swings back down and slams into Godzilla's back...he does it again...and again*

Godzilla: Oh that's it! Hey John!


*John Matrix is lighting a cigar in the destruction*

Matrix: Vat ist dis?

Godzilla: Say the words man!

*Matrix smiles smugly*

Matrix: Fly or die.

*Godzilla tucks tail between legs and breathes fire, shooting off into the air after Gigan*

Matrix: Works every time.

*Gigan looks in his rear view mirror....he has one...a TRUE kaiju fan would notice*

Gigan: How isss that posssssible?! It makesss no senssse!

Godzilla: Doesn't have to. Observe!

*Godzilla pulls Gigan to him with electromagnetism and they crash to the ground, Godzilla sitting on top of Gigan and punching him*

Gigan: OW! OW! Why aren't I ussssing my belly bladesss now?

Godzilla: I said you can't.

Anguirus: ARF ARF ARF!

*Godzilla looks up at Anguirus, latched onto one of Ghidorah's necks flying around....the screen looking much lighter than where he's fighting Gigan*

Godzilla: How odd....it feels like I've seen that same thing before....as if this was a movie and the footage were stock.

*Ghidorah's head turns and bites Anguirus and sends him crashing to the ground before flying off*

Gigan: What? Where are you going?!!! They sssaid you were hard to work with but thisssss is ridiculoussss!


*Godzilla gets off Gigan*

Godzilla: No...this is ridiculous.

*Godzilla tail slides into Gigan and sends him crashing into a building*

Gigan: COBRAAAA! RETREAT! RETREAT!

*Gigan flies off into the sky....leaving a trail of smoke behind him*

*Godzilla and Anguirus look at the skywriting*

Godzilla: Hmmm...Surrender Dorothy, with the extra s's and everything. I wonder what that could mean?

Anguirus: ARF ARF ARF!

Godzilla: OF COURSE! Make it apple sauce! We have to get back to the Godzilla Cave at once!

Anguirus: arf arf?

Godzilla: Oh for the love of....fine.


*attaches a leash to Anguirus and walks him through the destruction*


Godzilla: I should have gotten a cat.


*Gabera walks around, warbling and meowing like a moron*


Godzilla: Then again.....

[HalloweenJack]

Jaws the Revenge.....kinda










*Doom sits on his Throne in Latveria....hand on his chin*


Doom: Doom's so ronery.....so ronery....sitting on Doom's little throne....it's kinda sirry....but not rearry...



*Thanos bursts through the wall*


Thanos: OH YEAH!


Doom: Gasp! Can it be?!!!


Thanos: Yes my friend. THanos....THE TRUE THANOS...has returned. No more trying to do the right thing...no more clones...no more pandering to the heroes....no more being nice to small woodland creatures! Observe!


*Thanos picks up a groundhog and crushes it in his hands*


Thanos: BWAAHAHAHAHAAH!


Doom:.....Death broke up with you didn't she?


Thanos: *grumble grumble* She said she needed her space. But I'll find a way around that! Yes! I'll kill half the life in the universe for her!


Doom: And that's worked so well before.


Thanos:.....I don't see Sue around here anywhere.


Doom: Eh. She went back to Reed, then left him over some Civil War stuff. Doom doesn't know. Doom didn't read it. *shrugs*


Thanos: Regardless, now that I'm back to my roots....I think we should do something. Yes...Yes....Doom old boy....it's time to paint the town red! RED WITH BLOOD!



*Cue music from Saturday Night Fever as Doom and Thanos strut down the street while firing bursts of energy at innocent passersby. Doom stops, then turns and moonwalks as he incinerates a hobo in an alley. Thanos smiles, nods his head and starts break dancing. Later they're drinking in a bar and crying over losing their loves*


Thanos: We're just no good on our own. *drinks a bottle of liqour*


Doom: Doom agrees....Doom weeps....WEEPS!


*Bartender Sam Malone casually takes the liqour away from them*


Thanos: Ya know what....we're better off on our own. Ya know what? We don't need them.


Doom: Doom wholeheartedly agrees. Doom...hic....Doom says we should put the band back together. Doom says we should start the show again.


Thanos: But....how?


Doom: Leave that to Doom.



USING THE TRANSISTORS DOOM HAD IMPLANTED IN THEIR BODIES TO CAUSE THEM GREVIOUS PAIN IF THEY DON'T COME TO HIM....DOOM SUMMONS....




*The Rock's looking over a script for Grid Iron Gang too and eating some PIE (the part of a woman, not the pastry or poster*


Rock: WHAT THE BLUE HELL IS THIS PAIN?!!! THE ROCK DON'T EVEN KNOW!


*The half hawk, half gorilla HawkRilla is flying over new york flinging feces when he suddenly winces in pain*


HawkRilla: AAAAH AAAAH AAAAAAH!



*Ares....has moved along to another dimension....so now we're stuck with the Marvel Version....but thats okay cause he's cool now*


Ares: I pity da mortal who don't think so.



Thanos: And now?

Doom: Now....we begin aknew....









*The Rock's on a some headphones*


Rock: It's the New Season of Thanos and Doom's (that's Doom and Thanos!) Advice to the Stars! You better watch it! Otherwise you're a roody poo piece of monkey crap! And the Rock'll make the Scorpion King 2! Don't think the Rock won't!





Doom: Welcome you internet addicted ignoramuses. It is I...Dr. Victor Von Doom....and with me as always is my bubbly sidekick Kelly Ripa


*Thanos smacks Doom in the head*


Doom: I mean...Thanos the Mad Titan


Thanos: What up?


Doom: Today we shall examine some more miscreants and give them advice on being fully functional deviants to the society.

Thanos: Our first guest is Iron Man.


Doom: How can thay be? Iron Man is a nauseatingly pure hero!

Thanos: Not anymore. According to our sources...mainly Kase and some chick who wants Mark Millar's job....Iron Man has become a qoute, unqoute "Iron Nazi who wants to crucify Captain America upside down".

Doom: ....


Thanos: And to think....who thought that Iron Man....a guy who's book I debuted in would become a greater villain than either of us....at least in the eyes of web readers?

Doom: Let Doom get this straight....an armored guy of great intellect is giving more hell to Marvel's heroes than I ever have?

Thanos: He's also more reviled than you on the internet. People kind of worship you there.


Doom:CURSE THEIR SOULS! *Doom presses button on armor that makes guns rise out of the tops of SHC's PCs* FEAR AND DESPISE ME LEST I ZAP ALL YOUR BRAINS! I AM DOOM....BEAUTIFUL AND TERRIBLE AS THE DAWN!


Thanos: Calm yourself Victor. This isn't the first time something crappy has happened to Iron Man to make him a villain.


Doom: It isn't?

Thanos: Remember the Crossing?

Doom:....no.

Thanos: And in ten years no one will remember Civil WAr either. Five gets you ten every gushes over Iron Man by the time his movie comes out. And all of this will be retoconned. Mercifully, Mercifully retconned. Then Iron Man detractors will go back to talking about how cool Wonder Woman is compared to your favorite hero.

Doom: Business as usual then. But what of Iron Man now? How to make him revert to such heroic nonsense?

Thanos: I think you know


*Doom smiles....under his mask....r-tard*


*Iron Man is giving a speech with a big swastika on his chestplate*

Iron Man: DE IRON MEN ARE DE TRUE DESCEDENTS OF DE MASTER RACE!


*Nazis clap as Reed looks to Ton assuringly....when suddenly that music from Ferris Buellers Day Off plays in the background*

Iron Man: Vat ist dis? GOTT IN HIMMEL! DUFF MAN!


Duff Man: Oh yeah...DUFF MAN comes to your Red and Gold Gladiator to say this *thrusts pelvis* Why oh why round up the UNdesirables when you can have an icy cold desireable Duff beer. OH YEAH! *thrusts pelvis*

Reed: Stay strong Tony....remember...SCIENCE!

*Iron Man salivates....under his helmet at the frosty Duff...then looks to his Nazi disciples*

Iron Man: Don't....make...me...CHOOSE!

Duff Man: Give in! OH YEAH!

Robert Downey Jr.: Yeah..give in.

*Sandman, Steve Austin, Scott Hall, and Zombie Road Warrior Hawk all chant "Give in"*

Iron Man:.....over the lips and through the gums, look out liver cause here it comes!

*Iron Man flies as fast as he can to the local Duff Brewery, crashing into it and exploding it*

*Reed just looks on....before approaching the podium*

Reed: Well....looks like the Civil War is over. Everyone take their balls and go home.

Nazis: AWWWWWW.




Doom: So who's next?

Thanos: If I could pronounce their names I would, but I can't. Odds are they're some anime characters that only CBRers know about and make alignment tests for that no one talks about here.

Doom: Bottomless pit then?

Thanos: I think so


*Doom presses button and Aizen and Oromoochiebananafanafofastic fall in*

Doom: Whoever they are!

*Lex Luthor walks in*

Lex: Hey guys.

Thanos and Doom (DOOM AND THANOS!): Hey Lex.

Lex: Thought you guys should know, I'm pretty much fixed. No more stupid clunky armor, no more shooting up with Kryptonite, and no more Loeb. He's Marvel's problem now. As for me....I'm gonna go score with Kristin Kreuk some more.....oh Clarkie doesn't know that Lana and me do it in my van every Sunday...

Thanos: Good for him.

*Doom's fiddling with armor and blasts Thanos and himself with a ray*

Thanos: What was that?

Doom: I just made up more like teflon so Loeb's Super Spooge won't stick to us.

Thanos: I wonder what he's up to.



*Marvel Towers*

Loeb: OH MAN OH MAN AM I GLAD TO BE HERE, EVEN THOUGH THERE'S NO SUPERMAN! HEY JMS LOVE YOUR WORK ON SQUADRON SUPREME....do you really have to shit on Superman you hack....HEY MILLAR! CAN'T WAIT TO TAKE OVER THE ULTIMATES FROM YOU....and have them job to Supremest Cockstroke Man....you hack....IT SURE IS SWELL TO WORK WITH ALL YOU GREAT WRITERS....even if non of you an love Clark like me.


JMS: Eh....beats Byrne


*This just in... Byrne comments that Halloween Jack is a hack and that blacks should have never gotten the vote or freedom*



Doom: Whew....just full of Venom ain't he?


Thanos: Indeed he is. Makes me think of Black Manta for some reason.


Doom: Odd how we segue into that yes.....but I too thought of him since we last advised him. I wonder how he's doing....





*Black Manta and Reggie Hudlin are having a blast*


Manta: Wow Reggie....I've done great under your tutelage. I mean I took on White Fish Man for persecuting the Black Bass.....fought some vampires, got Black Lightning as my sidekick always cock stroking me as the greatest ever, told off Super White Boy for bein so famous, and now here we are in a strip club for my bachelor party surrounded by white strippers....cause ya know....it'd be racist to have at least one black stripper giving laprides


Hudlin: Only in America!


Apocalypse: You two are a disgrace.


Manta: I'll handle this *whistles*


*Black Bolt enters*


Apocalypse: B-Black Bolt?!


Black Bolt: PWNED BEEYOTCH!




Doom: Hmmm....that could possibly be the worst thing we've ever done.

*Thanos and Doom high five*


Thanos: SCORE!


Doom: Well, I suppose we're all wrapped up here. Now get off out sound stage!

*Cameras turn around and start blasting the audience while Doom and Thanos laugh*



*Hours later....the Griffin lands outside the building ready to make a comeback....but sign says closed*


Griffin: *sniff*....but the Man there said the music wouldn't plaaaa-aaay. And the three men I admire most......Wheeler, Cap, and Mati's Ghost.....they caught the last train for the coast.....and they were singin'




*Captain Planet, Wheeler, and Mati come up and form a kickline with the Griffin, Thanos, Doom, and Lex Luthor on the other*


All: BYE BYE MISS AMERICAN PIE....DROVE MY CHEVY TO THE LEVY BUT THE LEVY WAS DRY....



*Edge, Slutty Sue Richards, The Rock, HawkRilla, Doomsday and Dan Jurgens, Darkseid and Bakhair, Odin, J.R., and the King join them*


All: THEM GOOD OLE BOYS WERE DRINKIN' WHISKEY AND RYE SINGING THIS'LL BE THEY DAY THAT I DIE..


Cap: THEY WERE SINGIN!


*Godzilla, Spike, Illyria, Superman is a Dick, Batgod, Fred Sanford, even that SUMBITCH the Bandit join*

ALL: BYE BYE MISS AMERICAN PIE....DROVE MY CHEVY TO THE LEVY BUT THE LEVY WAS DRY, THEM GOOD OLD BOYS WERE DRINKING WHISKEY AND RYE, SINGING THIS'LL BE THE DAY THAT I DIE!




*the Warrior pops up in front of the camera*


Warrior: In truth it was a golden moment. For in this time twas decided by HJ, whom some say was the son of Bungle, and Superman Prime's brother from another mother, that this be the last humorous piece of tripe he write. Twas mourning from vahalla to cleveland at this. Or mayhap, it was merely morning, though the clock did say 8:38 pm. truly though, whatever time the lying clock did say it was a good run filled with mirth and the mocking of the pop culture at all turns. So truly, it be time the Warrior goes back to where the wild things are and writes about neo conservatism. Shalom Warriors....shalom


*the Warrior turns and walks away*





















*then he runs back at the camera*


Warrior: PSYCH! IT WILL NEVER END NOT EVER! WARN YOUR FRIENDS! WARN EVERYONE.....because the next person HJ makes fun of might be you......or you.....OR YOU! *points at camera*







Slither: This talking box is stupid. Why would anyone make fun of me?


*hobbles away on cane*


Slither: No ressspect these days I tells ya....no ressssspect

[AP]

HILARIOUS!

[HalloweenJack]

*Spidey swings down to the street and lands*

Spidey: *sigh* never thought I'd end up here.


*stares up at a bar.....with big neon letters that says 'The Wash Out'*

Spidey: Here goes nothing.


*Spidey enters the bar and sees movie has beens and never wases. In a corner, Riddick consoles a weeping Van Helsing. Elektra is a cocktail waitress, getting her ass slapped by Austin Powers before saiing him in the neck. On the dance floor, Catwoman and Pluto Nash get jiggy wit it*

Spidey: Screw this.

*turns to leave....but stops*

Spidey: Oh....my....God.

Batman: Nice suit sailor, but it could use some....nipples

Robin: *pounding fist* Tonight you're gonna get the double team from hell!

Batgirl: Why doesn't my suit have nipples?

Batman: Wanna take a ride back to my cave with me, sweetheart? I have to warn you.....my Batmobiles a one seater.

Spidey: HELP! I'M BEING ACCOSTED! I DON'T MIND THAT THEY'RE GAY, BUT THEY'RE SCHUMACHER'S! SCHUMACHER'S!

*Judge Dredd (well Stallon in the helmet) shows up*

Dredd: Yo....throw down your nipples and prepare to be judged, ya know what I'm sayin'?

Robin: Nice helmet, hero. Does it need polis-

*Dredd blows away the three abominations and blows the smoke from his gun. Ghost Rider walks up beside him, looks to Dredd, then to the corpses, then to Dredd again.....then strikes a pose and points at Dredd*

GR: INNOCENT!

Dredd: Yo, cept for that time I made Driven. Lets go find Frank. We'll tell ya bout our fight in Russia. You see him?

*GR points dramatically*

Dredd: cool. YO FRANK/DOLPH!

*Spidey just settles up to the bar and sighs*

Spidey: Gimme a Miller.

Torgo: I'll....go get....it. But re---member to tip....the Master doesn't...like....when....you don't tip! *waddles away to the Torgo theme to get Spidey's beer*

Spidey: *sigh* How'd I end up here?

"Peter? Peter Parker?"

Spidey: Clark! Hey! What are you doing here?

Supes: Oh, I've been coming to the Wash Out for years. Richard Pryor introduced me to it.

Spidey: Yeah.....ummm....yeah.

Supes: First time here huh?

Spidey: Yeah. That obvious?

Supes: It can be a little intimidating. This is actually my first time back in a while too.

Spidey: Yeah you went into space or something.

Supes: Or something, yeah. While I was out, I got a makeover. What do you think?

Spidey: Well.....you're kinda.....well.....you're a twig. I mean, I'm more buff than you and I'm supposed to be tiny.

Supes: Ah well, I'm still the strongest man on earth even if I don't look it. WANNA WATCH ME LIFT SOMETHING?!! I'M REAL GOOD AT THAT!!!

Spidey: Uhh...maybe later.

Supes: My super senses tell me you're down. Problems with MJ?

Spidey: Yeah how did you--

Supes: I know all and see all. In fact I heard the whole thing, but why don't you reinterate for our friends at home?

Spidey: Okay, well....


*flashback*

MJ: AAAAAAH! A critic had an opinion of something other than sterling! I'm ruined! There's no more good in the world! The world has ended! No more good!

Spidey: It'll be okay MJ. Everybody goes down once in a while, but sooner or later they bounce back up. It's like when I got my powers and Uncle Ben died. Sure it all looked bleak then, particularly with the Bugle smearing me everyday, but it all worked out in the--

MJ: PETER! All you did was lose a loved one, get smeared by an influential newspaper, and risk the possibility of being arrested for vigilante justice! My problem is SERIOUS!

Spidey: MJ it'll be oka--

MJ: Don't try and cheer me up, okay?! I don't want to be cheered up! I want to be moody and sad!

Spidey:.....In that case, I'm gonna go make out with Gwen and rub it in Xerxes' face! UP AND AT THEM! *swings away*

MJ:....Great....just great. Peter's off making out with clownface, and my life is ending. I swear....its been my dream to sing in musicals since the credits started and now I can't do that. Despite all those good reviews for serious acting and omnipresent billboards I had in the last movie, I'll be forever doomed to being a....a.....a waitress! oh sob!

*knock knock*

MJ: What?

*Darth Vader enters*

Vader: It would seem there was a mix up at the local pharmacy. I got your prescription for lithium and you got my massive mood swing inducers.

MJ: OOOOOH! It makes sense now.

Vader: This happens all the time.

*both of them chuckle, before the laughter slowly dies*

MJ:....Tell me I'm pretty.



*back in the present*

Supes: Yeah, you think you got it bad? Well you want to know why I REALLY left earth?

*another flashback*

*Supes lands at Lois's apartment*

Supes: Lois? You ready?

*walks inside, to find Chris Hansen at the bar*

Chris: Please Superman, have a seat.

Supes: Ah shit.

Chris: I've been reading over your instant messages with Lois.

Supes: Look man, she's just a friend who writes stories about me...

Chris: "Yeah, you dirty bitch. I'm going to come over tonight and Krypton's going to explode again....in your ass". Is that really appropriate language to use on a 13 year old?

Supes:....she's not 13

Chris: Girls develop more quickly these days.

Supes:....she works at a frigging newspaper.

Chris: Even child prodigies are still children.

Supes: She isn't 13.

Chris: She looks it.

Supes: This is asinine. You're asinine.

Chris: And now you're casting sexual assuasions my way?

Supes: Huh?

Chris: You said "your ass is mine". Superman, I'm going to have to take you in.

Supes: You and what army?

Chris: I'm Chris Hansen. I don't NEED an army.

Supes:......*flies off in really good CGI*

Chris: *picks up cell phone* Mr. Luthor? It's done.

*bar*

Supes: The worst part is when I come back, Lois has a kid and he turns out to be mine. She told me in the hospital. That and my worthless ass better not die before I pay her back child support.

Spidey: So go crush a few lumps of coal into diamonds. Kid's set for life.

Supes: Yeah, but you know what the weirdest part is? The only time I didn't do Lois up the pooper as when I was human....yet the kid still has my powers.

Spidey: How's that work?

Supes: You got me. The only plus side is I ruined her relationship with Perry's nephew.

Spidey: whoa, whoa, back up. The woman you love had a relationship with a blood relative of your newspaper editor boss's?

Supes: Yeah.

Spidey: Who was the fourth part of a love rectangle between you, your woman, and your costumed identity?

Supes: Yeah.

Spidey: Man....FUCK BRYAN SINGER! He needs to keep doing thrillers and quit doing shitty superhero movies.

Supes: Shitty? Shitty?! You want to talk shitty, how about your secret identity?

Spidey: Yeah? How's it worse than yours Super-douche?

Supes: At least I can keep mine secret. How many people know yours? Let's see....Mary Jane, Norman Osborn, Harry, Doc Ock, Sandman, Venom, possibly Robbie from that look he gave you in part 2.....and oh yeah....apparently Norman Osborn's friggin' BUTLER who didn't even have lines until part 3!!!

Spidey: Yeah well, not everyone has an amnesia kiss. Do us and favor and take one for the team and kiss Luthor. It'll save us all a headache down the road.

Supes: Okay, I'll do that, as long as you never, EVER dance again.

Spidey: And what's wrong with my dancing?

Supes: Hey Ghost Rider? You see Pete dance in the new movie?

"GUIIIIIIIIILTY!!!!"

Spidey: Sure, have your skeleton buddy point at me because you're not man enough to even throw a punch---

Supes: I've told you....I throw a punch and everyone dies.

Spidey: ---not to mention you can't take one either. Man when you lose your powers you're like the World's Finest Pussy. You can't even get one shot in! Not one!

Supes: Hey! There was a Kryptonite everywhere!!

Spidey: What about the trucker?

Supes: ....He was scary....unlike Venom.....ooooh booga booga....you're getting your ass kicked by the kid from That 70's Show....you shoulda just called Red to come drag his loser ass home.

Spidey: Its better than fighting a real estate agent with delusions of grandeur.

Supes: Well, with Lex there's at least a bitch or two who's hot for me.

Spidey: Yeah, but two words: Butter and Face. Not to mention his nephew was Duckie. *shudders*

Supes: That movie no longer exists.

Spidey: Why? Ya screwin' with time again? Here's a thought, when you decide to mess up the timestream or something, maybe you should fly the OTHER WAY and by the time you're done Lois won't be jailbait anymore.

*Supes points finger, then cups chin*

Supes: That's good.

Spidey: Face it man, I'm the superior franchise. The hero of heroes.

Supes: Hey....is that Bruce Campbell?

Spidey: *ducks* WHERE?!!

Supes: Beaten by a doorman....how low.

Spidey: Not as low as the business on your last movie. Gee, how many millions am I beating you by now?

Supes: A huge opening doesn't make a good movie, Pete. Dead Man's Chest proved that. Speaking of which, you might want to watch out for At World's End. Could bring your egotism to a screeching halt.

Spidey: While we're watching out for things....lets watch out for something for you......plotholes! "I'm sorry I've been away Mr. President....it won't happen again.....at least not until you finish your coffee".

Supes: You're just begging to be lifted into the air aren't you, Parker?

Spidey: Yeah, I am. Just let me put my mask on so you don't try to kiss me....or throw cellophane at me.

Supes: You wanna go?! You wanna go?!!!

Spidey: Oh I'll go. *grabs electric cable* You just watch me go!!!! *gold star for whoever gets that*

"PARKER!"

*Spidey turns around*

Spidey: Oh. Hell.

Jonah: Parker, what are you doing in that costume? Nevermind. Go get me some pictures of Spider-Man!

Spidey: Well Mr. Jameson....I'm feeling a little tipsy.

Jonah: Take a cab! No wait....a bus! I don't want to spring for cabfare. Well why are you standing here? When I say jump what do you say?

Spidey: How high?

Jonah: NOTHING, because you should already be GONE!

*Jonah looks at Superman*

Jonah: Who are you?

Supes: I--

Jonah: I don't care. Parker move!

Spidey: *sigh*

Supes: Have fun working, ass!

Jonah: Oh, I know you now.

Supes: Well of course. Everyone knows Su--

Jonah: I still don't care, Kent. You need to get to work too.

Supes: But I don't work for you.

Jonah: You're right, you work for him!

*Evil orchestra music plays, as black robotic centurions fill up the bar......a cloaked figure walks in stamping his staff on the floor with an ear shattering echo, in time with tye music.....as the music builds to a crescendo he turns.....revealing his hideous visage to Supes*

Supes: Mr. White!

Jonah: We shared a cab.

Skeletor: Kent! Get to work on your assignment!

Supes: What assignment?

Skeletor: Why the World doesn't need a He-Man. It will be on my desk tomorrow....you will finish it or you will......KNEEL! *shoots eyebeams at Superman* KNEEEEEEEL!

*The Punisher, 80's version stands*

Frank: That's enough....even you wouldn't dare do more.

Skeletor: I dare anything....I am Skele--Perry White!

Frank: Then it will end....old friend. *pulls broadsword off back*

Skeletor: Oh, how I ache to smash you. To drive your accursed face from my memory forever!

Frank: ENOUGH TALK!

Skeletor: Yes! LET THIS BE.....OUR FINAL.....BATTLE!

*all hell breaks loose.....Sly Dredd shoots centurions.....J.Jonah Jameson kicks Howard the Duck......Ghost Rider walks up to Skeletor and The Punisher/He-Man/Ivan Drago/Guy from Pentathalon and points at Skeletor*

GR: MAKE UP! *points to own face* C....G......I!!!!!!!!

*Spidey and Supes sigh and just exit*

Spidey: Ya know.....that big schmozz got me thinking....why are fighting? We shouldn't nitpick....we've both had two good movies a piece....so its only a matter of time---

Supes: Before someone makes another one that's just as good or better. Despite what any one movie may present, we are at heart, icons who'll never truly fade. We'll endure and have lots of movies made about us.

Spidey: Exactly.....well....I better go get some pictures of myself.

Supes: And I have a story to write. Pete?

Spidey: Yeah Clark?

Supes: You're a good friend.

Spidey: You too Clark.

Supes: Don't push yourself too hard now. You're not Superman after all.

Spidey:......I'M 13 AND HE TOUCHED ME! HE TOUCHED ME! MR HANSEN!!!

Supes: UP, UP, AND AWAY FOR FIVE YEARS!!! *whoosh*

Spidey: *picks up cell phone* Mr. Luthor? It's done.

[Ares]

This could well be the greatest thread in the history of the internet.

[Kerr Avon]

*opens fourth beer*  Verily.  It's gotten me through many a night at work when I couldnt outsmart the people at Websense.

[HalloweenJack]

yeah, now if only i'd spellcheck.....

[Kerr Avon]

yeah, now if only i'd spellcheck.....

dont bother. it adds to the "Drunken debauchery" feel of it all. 

If you can, add an audio laugh track.  Specifically the one from the 2nd season of "Taxi".

[HalloweenJack]

dont bother. it adds to the "Drunken debauchery" feel of it all. 

If you can, add an audio laugh track.  Specifically the one from the 2nd season of "Taxi".

for a brief second i thought "Taxi" was "Terrax" in your post and frankly that is hilarity in and of itself

[HalloweenJack]

more trouble a brewin'




Vizzini: Inconceivable!

Moe: Cursing while there's ladies present eh?! *eyepoke*"

Curly: But Moe....I don't see no ladies!"

Moe: I'll lady you. Hit my hand!

*Curly hits Moe's hand, then hits himself*

Curly: OOOH OOOH! RUFF RUFF!

*Moe gives Curly a look, Curly jumps back and waves*

Larry: Ah leave him alone!

Moe: Ah a mutiny eh?! *slaps Larry*

Inigo: I agree. Leave him alone.

Moe: Oh you startin on me now huh?

Inigo: I just do not like to see the simpletons abused. It a does not agree with me. So please stop it.

Moe: Threats eh? You and what army?!

Inigo: I need no army, but since you ask....

*Fezzik walks up, Moe gulps*

Moe: .....*turns to Larry* Say Jasper what comes after 75?

Larry: 76!

Moe: That's the spirit!

Fezzik: Inigo, I think he might be a simpleton too.

Inigo: Just conk him on the head and be done with it.

*Fezzik hits Moe on the head, Moe drops ala the Albino*

Fezzik: I think I may have hurt him.

Larry: Naw he'll be okay. Let's go to the races. I got a paycheck to blow!

Curly: NYUK NYUK NYUK!

Fezzik:....i like these fellows Inigo.

Inigo: To the races then! There will be horses tonight!


*Stooges depart, leaving Moe and a blinded Vizzini staggering around*

Shemp: Moe! Moe! Are you alright? Speak to me! Speak to me!

Moe: Sure, pal! *smacks Shemp* Now grab Larry, we gotta go spend the night in that haunted house if we wanna earn that inheritence!

*Shemp grabs the blinded Vizzini*

Shemp: I don't think he can see Moe!

Moe: Is that right? How many fingers am I holding up Procupine?

Vizzini: I can't see! I can't see!

Shemp: He can't see!

Moe: Oh takin his side eh? *pokes Shemp in the eyes*

[HalloweenJack]

Vader: Why Am I here again, my master?

Bobby the Brain: LOOK! I'll do the talking and thinking, you do the cutting people up alright!

Vader: Yes, my manager. *BREATHS*

*Unstable starts to play, and the Warrior runs down to the ring*


*the fans go wild, as do the announcers*


J.R.: STONE COLD! STONE COLD! STONE COLD!

King: Somebody get a stretcher! He's having a seizure!

J.R.: POSTED HIM! POSTED HIM!

King: Damn it! Odin get over here and help me!

Odin: Nay portly one!

King: I'll let you see my Hustler collection!

Odin:.....Very well.


*Odin and King walk out with J.R...... Gorilla Monsoon and Jesse Ventura replace them*


Gorilla: What a match we're going to have tonight Jesse!

Ventura: Let me tell you something, Monsoon! Tonight the Warrior gets what his! He's been ducking Vader time and time again and tonight, it all comes to an end! It'll be the end of rock and roll hipsters like the Ultimate Warrior! Death to rock and roll hoochie coo!

Gorilla: Wow! You heard it here first!


*the Warrior makes it to the ring and starts shaking the ropes like mad....Vader just stands there*


Vader: Is he ever going to stop that?

Brain: I THINK, YOU WRESTLE!

*The Warrior finally walks over, doubling over, putting a hand up*

Warrior: One moment, space nazi. *gasps....breathes like Vader* I'm more blown up than the mighty Direct TV Star, which didst fire beams of televisiony goodness down to Alderaan.....but when it did rain....the signal did depart to PARTS UNKNOWN!

Vader:.....Don't make me destroy you.

Warrior: Destroy the one true leader of the One Warrior Nation?! You must be straight trippin' boo! But I see who I deal with now.... Big Van Vader! Ha! The Warrior could have had that gimmick in New Japan, but went on to bigger and more ULLLLLLTIMATE Things! *snarl*

Vader:....Bobby?! *looks to Bobby the Brain*

Bobby: Block it out! Its like a Jedi mind trick!


Ventura: Excellent advice from the manager of champions, Monsoon! The Warrior's early match psych out nearly claimed the Dark Lord of the Sith's sanity! If he can block that out, he's got a shot at taking down the big man!

Gorilla: Astute observation Jess, but I don't know if anyone can take down this BO-HEMOTH!

Ventura: I could have once, but I don't have the heart anymore! Go on Monsoon! Make a joke about that!

Gorilla: Oh will you stop?!

*Vader ignites lightsaber and slashes the Warrior's chest*

Warrior: BY THE BRISTLING BEARD OF HELLWIG! *holds chest* You....you hath.....hurted....der Warrior *clutches chest and drops to knees* OR HATH YOU?! CARE WAR STARE!


*A beam shaped like the Ultimate Warrior's symbol fires out at Vader and sends him flying back into the corner*

Vader: AAAAAH!!! BOBBY?!!

Brain: Don't screw this up for me kid! If he wins, I gotta wear that weasel suit again! I'm not going there! Not after last time! And I think! You wrestle!

Vader: But...*takes a big shoulder tackle from the Warrior* AAAAAAH! I'm screaming like when my kid cut off my hand!

*the Warrior picks Vader up and gorilla press slams him out of the corner....Vader stands shakily...and gets a big clothesline*

Gorilla: OOOOH! Right in the occipital exuberance there, Jess!

Ventura: DAG NABBIT Monsoon! Darth Vader is getting his helmet polished in this match!

*Warrior has Vader in a headlock with one arm and is wiping his helmet down with a rag with the other*

Warrior: AHAHAHAHAHA! I can see my bizarro self in your helmet! Hello! Hello in there! Hello!


Brain: Ah geez, OKAY FINE VADER! THINK! THINK!


Vader: Yes my manager *thinks*

Warrior: Verily, you are an attractive one Bizarro Warrior, but the Warrior is as straight as the narrow and cannot give into your charms, considerable though they are and.....EH?


*Notices he and Vader are floating ten feet above the ring*


Warrior: Hmmm..strange. This doesn't usually happen unil AFTER my morning juicing. Ah it matters little! *double axes handles Vader to the mat*


Vader: AAAAAH! Mike Wong, ahy hast thou forsaken me?!!


*Warrior drops down onto Vader....1....2....KICK OUT AT 2!*

Gorilla: The Warrior, while not a polished technician is a master of positioning in that ring wouldn't you say Jess?

Ventura: Yeah well....lets see him become governor.


*Warrior spins Vader around above him*

Warrior: I am the very model of a modern major general!

Vader: AAAAAH! *gets slammed onto the ground....is woozy* ....I'm dying....Padme.....Padme is that you?

*The Spectre stands above Vader in the ring*

Spectre: Nope, just your standard angel of death....ARRRGGH! *gets blasted by Parallax*

*Vader snaps out of it and shakily stands*

Warrior: Still you fight?! Ha! I can break your bones and obsidian exoskeleton, but I can never break your blue filtered spirit!

Vader: I find your lack of fa....wait....that doesn't work here....ah to hell with it!

*raises hand to choke Warrior with the Force*

*Warrior to his credit, grips his throat and chokes*

Gorilla: submission hold by Vader!

Ventura: Finally, Monsoon! Finally! Someone's gonna take down this painted up poppinjay!

Gorilla: .....?!

Ventura: WHAT?! I'm not just the Body, I'm the Mind! and a goddamn sexual Tyrannosaurus! You saw my porno!

Gorilla: Well yes, but it was nothing to speak of.

*Warrior chokes but raises his own hand*

Warrior: I'm....crushing....your....head!

*Vader's helmet gets crushed*

Vader: AAAAAAH!

*Warrior breaks out of Vader's mental grasp and shoulder tackles Vader, then he runs in place and picks Vader up in the Gorilla Press.......drops him.....runs into the ropes...BIG SPLASH! 1-2-3!*

*Unstable blares loudly again*

Ventura: I CAN BELIEVE IT MONSOON! JUST LIKE I CAN'T BELIEVE IT ANY OTHER TIME! LIKE I CAN'T BELIEVE ITS NOT BUTTER!

Gorilla: LISTEN TO THIS OVATION!

*The Warrior departs the ring*

*Bobby the Brain enters the ring and hauls Vader up*

Brain: Vader? Vader?!

Vader: Its....time....its Vader time....AAAAH.

Brain: Snap out of it!

Vader: What...about the match? Did I win? Did I do okay?

Brain: Well....it would appear you lost.

Vader: What? I couldn't! I won! I know! I felt it! NOOOOOOOOOOO DO NOT WANT!

Brain: Yeah well, here's the post match beatdown. YOU'RE OUTTA THE FAMILY!

*Haku and the Barbarian start to beat on Vader*

Gorilla: This is despicable!

Ventura: I knew the kid never had it in him!

Gorilla: Wait....here comes the Warrior!

*Warrior enters and starts beating on Haku and the Barbarian, he even flattens the Brain*

Brain: HAKU! QUICK! PUNCH A HOLE IN TIME!


*Haku roars and starts punching and kicking holes in time, he, Brain, and the Barbarian flee through one*

Brain: Phew....where are we?

*Brain and his Samoan monsters look about...*

Brain: We're in the same ring?!

Warrior: Same Warrior time, same Warrior place....but ONE WEEK LATER!

*Brain and the gruseome twosome shriek in horror as Warrior, and Darth Vader now ULTIMATE Vader stand in the ring*

Warrior: DESTRUCITY HAS A NEW DISCIPLE! WHERE ONCE THERE WAS ONE THAT NUMBER HAS BEEN INCREASED BY ONE MORE AND THE BLOOD OF THE MARTYRS WILL NEVER BE THE SAME!

Vader: Now....can you dig that.....SUCKA! O.W.N 4-THE NEXT TWO WEEKS OR SO!








George Lucas: And thats where i think the next Star Wars movie should go.

*Captain Planet sits behind desk*

Cap: Get out.

*Lucas looks down*

Cap:....then come back in, kiss me, and start casting! Lucas my friend, you've done it again!


*produced by Donald L. Bellasario*   

[HalloweenJack]

Cheers, Doomsday



*Doomsday is filmed before a live studio audience*


Clark: Wow...what a bad day. gimme a brew Davis

DD: RAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! *slams down beer*

Clark: It's Lana again. I swear....I'm just not sure where we can go with this....does she love me? does she know my secret? was she knocked out? what was with that prophecy? and the bad chinese disguise?

DD: MUHHHH TROOOO PLUHHHHS!

Clark: Yeah I know...its like we've run out of ideas. Plus its not like she's a great actress anyway.

DD: HA HA HA HA! *slams fist down on a small woodland creature*

Clark: You're right....she was pretty hot in Eurotrip.

DD: GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Clark: Good question....why am in a bar? I don't drink. Thanks for the pep talk Davis, you've made my day. *Clark puts on hat, tips it, and walks out of the bar*

DD: raaaah. *starts polishing beer mug.....Brainiac comes in*

Brainiac: So....Buffy's being a bitch again.

*Doomsday smashes glass and holds arms up*

DD: RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Brainiac: Kill her?!

DD: Rah.

[HalloweenJack]

pt. 1



*deep below the waves of the ocean....insidious forces are at work*

Megatron: Decepticons! We are convened here today plan of all.....nominations for our candidate for President of the Multiverse! As we all know, those accursed Autobots are nominating that old warhorse Kup for president....but we need our own! I open the floor to nominations! MWHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

Bruticus: Bruticus nominate Shockwave....turns into flying gun....stays big....Bruticus shoot Shockwave........Bruticus

Megatron: An excellent choice, Bruticus! The best of us turn into guns! Do I hear a second?!!

Soundwave: Seconded. He has 'Wave in his name. Excellent choice of name.

Starscream: Bah! Nonsense!

Megatron: Oh Vector Sigma, what is it Starscream?

Starscream: Shockwave is a terrible candidate!

Shockwave: I'm as good a choice as anyone! I guarded Cybertron for 4 million years!

Starscream: And couldn't stop a handful of female Autobots!

Shockwave: Its not my fault! They blinded me with sexiness....and science!

Starscream: Bah! And he has other flaws I wish to draw attention to!

Megatron: *Sigh* We're going to be here a while.

Starscream: He only has one hand! He's the only Decepticon with one hand! What's up with that? Am I the only one who sees that?! And no face! Even Soundwave has a face under that visor...and whatever that is on his mouth! Shockwave isn't a candidate, he's a traffic light!!

*all the Decepticons sigh*

Starscream: And he's not black enough!!

*all the Decepticons do a double take*

Soundwave: He's done gone loco.

Starscream: I'm serious! He's purple! Kids today don't like the color purple. They're all emo and they like the color black....look what it did for Spider-Man

*Spidey leaps frm Venom's jaws*

Spidey: Yeah....wonders....*dances*

Starscream: So I challenge his nomination!

Megatron: You know....I've almost said this so many times its lost all meaning, but....you're an idiot Starscream. At least Shockwave hasn't claimed that he was being fired upon by Autobots when he actually wasn't. Soundwave! Transform and show us the footage!

*Soundwave turns into a tape recorder*

Megatron: Oh...well....uh this one's on me. Still....you're an idiot Starscream!

Starscream: I'll show you, Megatron! My time will come.....yes...in fact I think I'll run for president!

*all the Decepticons laugh*

Megatron: Oh Starscream, I just remembered why I tolerate your constant insurrections...you're hilarious.

Starscream: I'm serious!

Soundwave: Ha. Ha. Ha.

Megatron: Stop! I can't take it anymore! AHAHAHAHAHA!

Starscream: stop laughing damn it!

*Decepticons keep laughing....even Laserbeak*

Laserbeak: CAW! CAW! CAW!

Starscream: AS your second in command, I order everyone who isn't Megatron to stop laughing!

Shockwave: You're not second in command...Soundwave is!

Starscream: No I am!

Megatron: no, Soundwave is.

Starscream: I'm pretty sure Ironhide said I was in an old episode of Gen. 1

Soundwave: Ironhide is an old moonshine drinking, Elvis worshipping, honkybot.

Starscream: Well I'm still going to be president! You'll see!

*Starscream transforms and flies off*

Megatron: Are there any other nominations?

*Bruticus raises hand*

Megatron: Yes?

Bruticus: Bruticus want pants too.




*later, at Lo Pan's Wok on the Wild Side*

Starscream: The unmitigated nerve of it! I could be president! I could!

Cobra Commander: You've got my vote at any rate.

Starscream: You're just saying that because we both sound like Chris Latta!

CC: Be that assss it may, why not you? You're a good leader....overlooked by otherssss in favor of some brute who's sole contribution to strategy is "Die! This I command!" and it grates on you every waking moment of everyday of every year until you just wish Serpentor was dead! I HATE HIM! I HATE HIM!....I relate....maybe you just need to hire an image conssssultant.

Starscream: That's it! *transforms and flies off again*

*later*

Doom: No.

Thanos: Not going to happen.

Starscream: OH SCREW YOU TWO!

Doom: Thanos....get the tables!

*back at Wok on the Wild Side*

Starscream: What do they know anyway?

CC: How to attain godhood?

Starscream: Who's side are you on anyway?!!

CC: Sorry, sorry, my bad.

*Lo Pan floats by*

Lo Pan: Maybe you should just appease some ancient obscure god?

Starscream: Does that work?

Lo Pan: Sure, if you find girl with green eyes.

Starscream: Hmmmm

CC: While you're here, Lo Pan....what ISSSS thisss delicioussss meal I'm eating?

Lo Pan: Hmmm....good question. Hey cookie, whats C.C. been stuffing himself with?

*Hannibal Lecter pokes head out of kitchen*

Hannibal: Our All American Platter...soy...mushrooms...and flesh from Captain America's corpse.

CC: Ugh...I'm going to be sick....ohh...puked in my helmet

Lo Pan: Oh now this really pissed me off to no end!

CC: Dinner was once a man....once a man.

Starscream: Lo Pan! Clean this mess up! Then fetch me the yellow pages! Starscrean's gonna find god!

*later*

Illyria: No *punches Starscream*

Foley: No *hits Starscream with steel chair*

Thor: NAY! *smites Starscream*

Jesus: I can't help you.

*Starscream braces*

Starscream: Wait....aren't you going to hit me?

Jesus: Let he who is without sin, cast the first stone.

Starscream: Whew. *gets hit by a huge boulder*

Jesus: As such, the Destroyer armor has no soul and is technically without sin.

Starscream:.......ow

*in space*

Starscream: Unicron! You're my last hope! I need your backing! And a cool new body! And maybe a new campaign ship! I won't mind the mind control! I'm used to it! Really!

Unicron: YOUR TIMING IS HIGHLY DUBIOUS! BEGONE INSECT!

Starscream: *sigh*

Unicron: VERY WELL....YOU STILL HOLDING HIM?

Galactus: OH YEAH!

*Unicron repeatedly punches Imperiex in the stomach*

Imperiex: OW. OW. OW. OW.


Starscream: Its hopeless! I'll never find a deity to appease! I swear, when I get back to earth I'm gonna wait till its real late....then I'm gonna knock on Lo Pan's door and then run away! That'll show him!

*Just then....a brilliant light engulfs Starscream*

"SMALL METAL CREATURE...HEAR ME AND BE SILENT!"

Starscream: what?

"I SAID SILENT!

*Starscream finds the source of the light....an immense beared planet wearing glasses*

"I AM BYRNE....THE LIVING EGO...AND I KNOW OF YOUR PLIGHT!"

Starscream: you do?

Byrne: STILL NOT SILENT ENOUGH!

Starscream: gulp.

Byrne: IN A TIME BEFORE TIME, THE EIGHTIES AS WE CALLED THEM, I WAS THE GREATEST WRITER THE MULTIVERSE HAD EVER SEEN! MY PLOTS AND STORIES WERE LEGENDARY! WITH EACH BYLINE I GREW LARGER AND MORE POWERFUL UNTIL JEALOUS HACKS BANISHED ME FROM THE EARTH, JEALOUS OF MY BEARDED IMMENSITY! NOW I SEEK TO RETURN AND YOU...SHALL BE MY INSTRUMENT! WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THEM APPLES?

*Starscream is silent*

Byrne: YOU MAY SPEAK NOW.

Starscream: Uh...okay....If you're so powerful and all, how did they banish you?

Byrn: I WAS TOLD THERE WAS A WORLD OF BLONDE LATINAS OUT HERE. THEY ALL LOOK LIKE PROSTITUTES YOU KNOW. BYRNE SHOULD POSSESS THEM! YUMMY.

Starscrea: Well uh...what can you offer me?

Byrne: THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN THE UNIVERSE!

Starscream: Wisdom? Power? A cool new body and a ship?

Byrne: NO! PUBLICITY! NOTERIETY FROM SPEAKING DARK OPINIONS THAT BYRNE KNOWS TO BE FACT!...AND A PAGE...LISTING THEM AT WIKIPEDIA.

Starscream: What kind of opinions?

Byrne: THAT CHRISTOPHER REEVE AND STEVE IRWIN ARE IN HELL! AND THAT I WAS SANDWICHED BETWEEN THEIR WIDOWS!

Starscream: Uh...I'm evil and all...but uh....thats in bad taste, man.

Byrne: ANY PUBLICITY IS GOOD PUBLICITY! ASK JOE QUESADA! LOOK AT WHAT HE DID FOR SPIDER-MAN!

Spidey: ......I know I'm forgetting something....but I can't quite place it.

Quesada: *dressed as Mephisto* BOFFO!

Byrne: I NAILED AMANDA CONNER BEHIND HIS BACK YOU KNOW...SHE WAS LOUSY.

Starscream: Look this...uh....awkward.

Byrne: LISTEN TO ME LITTLE AUTOMATON, HEAD ME AND MY POWER WILL GUIDE YOU TO THE TOP FOR IT IS BYRNE'S PURPOSE TO GIVE BACK TO THE UNIVERSE INFINITELY MORE THAN HE HAS TAKEN! CONVERSELY, DID YOU KNOW THAT SPIDER-MAN CHAPTER ONE WAS A MASTERPIECE FOR SURPASSING WATCHMEN IN EVERY WAY?

Starscream: Uh...no?

Byrne: WELL IT WAS! NOW, WILL YOU JOIN ME OR MUST I POST STARSCREAM IS A HACK 'PON MY WEBSITE?

Starscream: Well...I don't want anyone thinking I'm a hack. Deal!

Byrne: GOOD....GOOD.




*on earth.....in the desert........in PARTS UNKNOWN*






*The Warrior holds a log and reads it*

Warrior: Hmmm....gas prices increase....one must pay to pass gas? The WARRI-YAH has done that for years without paying! And pay I shall not.....eh?

*the Warrior tosses the log down and looks to the sky*

Warrior: MERCIFUL MINERVA! The One Who Cannot Be Gorilla Pressed is returning! Should that happen, our combined senselessness may cause the earth to explode into goo! I must have a vision quest!

*the Warrior pulls out a revolver and shoots himself*

Warrior: It would appear that I am unharmed. So be the wills of the Hellwigs before me! I must gather the Secret Defen---er....Warriors! High ho Bill Murray! AWAY!

*The Warriors ride off on thin air...leaving a cloud of dust*

Warrior: And be sure to catch my return to wrestling in Spain next month! Always believe!





To be continued?   


 

[HalloweenJack]

It has not been continued as Obama won the nomination and killed the Starscream/Hillary jokes I was gonna make.....instead


'PREP WAR, HOOO, GOOD GOD YA'LL, WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR?'





*Constantine sits in his favorite pub, downing whiskey*


*wall gets blown in, moke clears, and a battle ravaged Thanos walks in*

Thanos: CONSTANTINE!!!!

John: Eh? What do you want ya git? I don't need your Queer Eye help to reinvent meself

*Thanos growls and sits down on the stool beside John....staring at him evilly*

John: Okay, what?

Thanos: Do you...have....ANY....idea what I went through today?

John: I got a good idea, but why don't ya tell our viewers at home what happened.

Thanos: INDEED I SHALL! It all began when I got up today....


*Thanos awakens from his bed....shaped like the Thanos Copter....finds a letter on his pillow*

Thanos: Death? Death, baby, what's going on? Hmm...Dear Thanos....I didn't want to do this face to face, but as of late I feel like you're smothering me again....I do love you, but I'm not IN love with you....I mean, you're fun but this whole "I worship you" thing is kind of creepy.....besides....there's someone else.....someone who understands me.

*Thanos crumples up letter and sneers*

Thanos: Edge

*Thanos teleports to Toronto, starts kicking Edge as he lies in bed*

Edge: AH WHAT THE HELL DUDE?! WHAT THE HELL?! THIS REEKS OF HEINOSITY!

Thanos: You think I wouldn't find out?!!! What, because you're a good heel, it makes it all right?!!!! Huh?!!! You sonnuvabitch....you BASTARD! *blasts Edge to a skeleton skeleton....returns to his sanctum*

Thanos: What the---?!!

Kang: Whooo! The Kang Meister's here baby! I needs a place to stay!

Thanos:....You can't stay here Kang.

Kang: Why not? It says that you need a roomie here in the paper, mans!

Thanos: Gimme that.....single purple Titan seeks roomie for intergalactic base. Must be a...A SNUGGLER!

Kang: Technically I'm not, but ya know....so long as we don't look in each other's eyes.

Thanos: .......*incinerates Kang* Victor's going to be pissed I did that, but whatever


*Ding Dong*


Thanos: Now what?!!!


*Thanos opens door......two Killer Klowns stand there*

Klowns: PIZZZZA!

Thanos:....pizza?

*Third Killer Klown comes up out of the box and shoots Thanos with a Cotton Candy Gun*

*back on earth*

John: Sounds pretty rough.

Thanos: It gets worse!

*flashback*

Megatron: AHAHAHA! Welcome back to To Tell The Truth. Tonight, Dr. Victor Von Doom is in the booth and is hoping to win 100,000 dollars....and cheering him on is his best friend Thanos. Now then.....Thanos....are you at all worried about Doom being up here?

Thanos: Ahaha, oh of course not. As long as he tells the truth, what do we have to worry about? He's my best friend

Doom: Yes.....heh.....Doom is not sweating bullets beneath his mask.....not at all.

Megatron: And lets move on.....Doom....have you ever thought of finding another partner in villainy OTHER than Thanos?

Thanos: ?!!!!

*Doom sits there, annoying music playing*

Doom:......yes

Thanos: What?!!! What kind of show is this?!

Megatron: Calm down, Titan. He just thought about it, that doesn't mean he was actually going to find someone else to partner with.

Thanos: Alright....alright.....I'm calm.

Megatron: Now Doom......are you at all annoyed by Thanos's high maintenance personality?

Doom:.......yes.

Thanos: WHAT WHAT WHAT?!!!

Doom: Hey, all you do is bitch and moan to Doom "Waaaaah Death doesn't return my affections, waaaaaah I'm my own worst enemy, waaaaaaah Drax is trying to kill me!"

*Drax comes out of nowhere and stabs Thanos in the head*

Thanos: AW SONUNVVA---!

Megatron: Very good.....now Doom.....have you ever actually critiqued other characters with someone else's help?

Doom: No, of course not.

Thanos: Whew.

Megatron: That....is a lie. Lets go to the screen!

*Big tv screen lights up.....Doom and Lex Luthor sit on a park bench*

Doom: Heh, look at that fat kid over there.

Lex: Heh heh.....Know what he needs? To lose some weight!

Doom: Oooooh score! *high fives Lex* Hey....Doom says get a load of this old lady....

Lex: I KNOW! "Ooooh look at me I'm old and need a walker" WRONG! What she needs is a rocket powered jet walker so that she's more of a threat to those meddlsome Superfriends

Doom: That or euthanasia.

*both laugh.....and gradually they start holding hands*

Lex: Vic....I gotta admit, this has been a good day.

Doom: And you're Doom's best friend.

*Stand by Me slowly starts to play*

*back to the show, Thanos drops to his knees in rage and sadness*

Thanos: But I offered to go to that park with you! NOOOOO!

*Doom sighs and simply turns the channel on the screen*

Terrax: This just in for Doom News Network......Thanos of Titan seen crying here like a little bitch has recently been sighted flying his white Sanctuary II through various star systems, swerving from lane to lane and occasionally knocking planets out of orbit. The Imperial Guard is in pursuit

Thanos: But....I'm here....how can I be doing that?

Doom: Clones?

*Thanos backhands Doom*


*aboard Sanctuary II*

Kalibak: Father, I think I'm dying father! *Kalibak coughs and holds his bullet wound*

Warrior: Shut up man! Shut up! I'm trying to think! *swerves the ship and hold Kalibak's hand* You're going to live! LIVE BY THE GODS!


Thanos: Could this get worse?

*Wall gets blown in*

Odin: FOUL TITAN! HOW DAREST THOU LEAVE A FAMING BAG OF DOG DOO ON THE MULTICOLORED BRIDGE OF ASGARD!

Thanos: DAMN IT!


*the bar*

John: Ouch...have a beer.

*Thanos drinks from the beer*

Thanos: and then, the unthikable happened.



*Thanos returns home thoroughly thrashed, turns on the lights......The Watcher is standing there*

Thanos: Ah hell....what now?

Watcher: I am bound to observe, but never interfere......by the way....this is the real you and not a clone. I thought I'd say that up front

Thanos: ?!

*toilet flushes and Squirrel Girl walks out, drying her hands*

SG: well, well, well, look who's here to get their ass handed to them by small, woodland, critters



*the bar*

John: That'sa bad piece of luck.....but what brings you here, mate?

*Thanos pick up John by the collar and growls*

Thanos: Because, the Watcher said you were behind all this as he narrated me becoming Squirrel Girl's bitch. He sad you were trying to kill me.

John: Oh no way, mate. I'm not trying to.....in fact....I DID IT....FIFTEEN MINUTES AGO.

*Thanos looks confused, then sees his empty mug of beer*

Thanos: What?....no....holy water....*Thanos drops John and starts to choke, falling to his knees and holding his throat*

John: Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a date.

*Death walks out of the loo.....that's a bathroom*

Death: Ready honey?

John: Yep...well...toodles poof!

*John walks off arm in arm with Death*

*Thanos crawls and reaches out arm*

Thanos: wait....wait....*collapses*

*behind the bar, Doomsday's cleaning glasses with a rag....Swamp Thing walks up*

ST: So....how long before he realizes that holy water shouldn't hurt him?

Doomsday: RAAAAAAH.

ST: Why yes, I am uber







The Fanfic board is my home....it is who I am....it is what I am

HalloweenJack was once a writer....he knows the evil that writers do.....

DO NOT BRING YOUR EVIL HERE, I WARN YOU!

or beware the wrath of.....SWAMP THING

[HalloweenJack]

Ripped Shirt? More Like Ripped Psyche


Starfleet Official: James T. Kirk....you've be summoned here today to this hearing to see if you are fit to serve as Captain aboard the USS Enterprise, given your wild tales of giant amoebas, space hippies, Abraham Lincoln, and a creature on the outside of your ship

Kirk: Alright...I made up...that...last one

Starfleet Official: Be that as it may, we of Starfleet Command believe that you Captain, are out of your frigging mind. There is no way in hell, I repeat, NO WAY IN HELL anything in this three year's worth of logs can be anything but a fabrication

Kirk: You don't believe...me?! but...but....ask Spock! He....was there! RIGHT....THERE!!!!

Starfleet Official: Yes, Captain....but as you've pointed out in several of your reports *snicker* Mr. Spock has had his emotions restored to him countless times, and therefore *chuckle* may not be a reliable witness.

Kirk: But...but....Bones was there!

SO: Completely xenophobic. Of course he'd back you up.

Kirk:...Mr. Scott!

SO: Drunker than you.

Kirk: Chechov?

SO: Oh, of course, then he'll tell us the giant amoeba came from right outside Moscow.

Kirk: Uhura then!

SO: As if we care what women think.

Kirk: Sulu! Sulu, back me up here!

Sulu: I can't do that captain. You and I both know that all these stories are complete and utter fabrications. You need help, sir.

Kirk: You traitor! TRAITOR!

*Kirk's dragged away by orderlies*

Kirk: but....but....I AM CAPTAIN KIRRRRRRRRRK!

*Sulu looks at the Starfleet Official*

Sulu: So then...

SO: The Exclesior is waiting for you CAPTAIN Sulu.

Sulu: Beautiful.   

[HalloweenJack]

The Blackest....wait, isn't that a bit racist.....Night



Cap: dead bodies are bio degradable. in fact, the act of death helps the circle of life keep on rolling. *flies around*

Kwame: It doesn't matter how you die. Automobile accident...

Linka: So long as it is hybrid....

Gi: ....by drowning...

Mati: heart attack...

Wheeler: or even in a FIRE! AMIRITE?!

*Cap flies into view*

Cap: your death is a vital component in releasing nitrates into the soil which helps plants grow....

Gaea: to make the world a little more green.

Wheeler: Just don't get buried in a sealed metallic coffin!

Mati: The earthworms...they will not get any food...and this makes Suchi very sad.

Suchi: *screech screech screech*

Gi: Throw your bodies into the streets indiscriminately so that the vultures may pick at their bones!

Cap: Remember....human life is worthless....death is the way to go...ALL HAIL NEKRON!

Kwame: So...hungry...

*the Planeteers start to deteriorate into hideous ghouls*

Wheeler: Brains...

*Duke Nukem struggles with his bonds and looks at YOU THE VIEWER as the Planeteers creep closer*

Duke: For God's sake, are you just going to watch!!!!

Mati: I want to eat his HEART!

*Duke Nukem is torn apart*

Cap: the power is YOURS! *munches Nukem's brains*


Elsewhere


Doom:....a whole friggin' year and THIS is how our strip comes back?!!! Doom scoffs! But oh well....at least Thanos will be happy with this quagmirish quandry of an event.

Thanos: ....It reminds me of *choke* Death!

*Thanos begins crying...Doom sighs*

Doom: What else could happen?

Marquis of Death: Heed the word of SSSSSAURON!

*Doom palms his faceplate...Thanos looks up, with hopeful eyes*

Thanos: Baby?







The power is YOURS!


*warning: power may not be yours in all 50 states*

[HalloweenJack]

A Black and Reigny Night


*Doom looks at monitors, staring at the carnage going on outside....zombies rising from the graves and attacking everything in sight*

Doom: Hmmm....it would appear the dead are rising through some unknown means. Every country in the Multiverse. Even my own beloved Latveria is not immune. All signs point to an amazing phenomena of serious metaphysical import. Come Thanos...we must act!

*Thanos sits rocking back and forth cradling the hissing Marquis of Death*

Thanos: Baby...I miss you...come back to me.

MoD: SSSSSSSS!

Doom: *sigh* Clearly Doom is on his own here.

*Lex Luthor suddenly runs in in his clunky vending machine armor and slams the door behind him....bags of Fritos and bottles of Sprite falling out of his armor*

Lex: Sweet Clancy Brown, have you seen what's going on out there? I'm up to my armpits in dead employees demanding backpay!

*Lex looks at the whimpering Thanos cradling the Marquis*

Lex: ....Victor, do you think Quan could spin this as a feat of Thanos overpowering the Marquis of Death?

Doom: SILENCE HELMETLESS ONE! Doom is trying to get to the bottom of this debacle

Lex: Maybe they're Black Lanterns.

Doom: Black Lanterns?

Lex: You didn't hear?

Doom: Halloween Jack is a lazy bum. Black Lanterns? REALLY?!

Lex: I'm afraid so.

Doom: Doom is gone for one measly year and someone goes and screws up the status quo. What's next? A Red Hulk?

Lex:.....Why don't we try getting to the bottom of this? Isn't that your news network?

*Doom looks to the screen*

Terrax: CRINGE BEFORE ME! I am Terrax the Tamer! Reporter for DNN. Today your craven world has been invaded by rotting mounds of grave spawned filth wandering the streets in a desperate search for delicious brains. For most, this is a moment of abject terror....for others....this is AWESOME!

*cut to a clip of Stone Cold Steve Austin sitting on top of a pick up truck with a shotgun*

Austin: Think you're gettin' away son? EH EH! You bet your bottom dollar you ain't! Yer just Condemned!

*Austin blows various zombies away....while Kane collects them via a wheel barrel*

Kane: If this is Mark just showing off again, I'm going to kill him. AGAIN.

*the scene changes to Darkseid pulling over a semi truck with Kalibak and that damn Vacuum Cleaner with Jesse's Ashes sitting in his passenger side seat*

Kalibak: Father, I don't think this is the Bandit here father.

Darkseid: Quiet you little sumbitch.

JA-VC: whee whee boop boop

Kalibak: Father, the little pot says he's in misery father

Darkseid: Quiet! I'm gonna wrangle up this damned Bandit out of this truck and be done with this stupid Smokey and the Bandit running joke once and for all!

*Darkseid waddles out of his squad car and up to the truck*

Darkseid: Now do you have any idea how fast you were---

Zombie Jerry Reed: RAAAAARH! Eastbound and down! *followed by little musical notes*

*Darkseid poofs into non existence*

Kalibak: Father? Where have you gone father?

JA-VC: boop boop whee whee

*Kalibak looks over to the vacuum cleaner training several large guns on him*

*KALIBLAM!*

*elsewhere several Autobots stand by Hot Rod and console him*

Arcee: Oh Hot Rod, I can't believe it....Optimus Prime was a zombie the whole time

Hot Rod: Yeah....yeah....its a....its a shock all right.

Kup: And ya say that you beat him all by yourself?

Hot Rod:.....yep. No lies here.

*Megatron tries crawling out of the rubble*

Megatron: It....it was me....I just used him as a shield.

*Starscream quickly fires on Megatron*

Starscream: Lucky I was here, otherwise that...er...zombie Megatron would have done you in too.

Hot Rod: Right. We're very lucky. Its not like we planned this or anything. *cough*

Kup: But wait...we're robots how can we become zombies?

*Hot Rod and Starscream look around and shoot Kup too*

Hot Rod: Wow...even Kup was a zombie.

Starscream: Its shocking is what it is.

Arcee: Oh you guys are SO brave!

Hot Rod: That we are. Now, what say we crack open Prime for the Matrix, then show Arcee here The Touch


*back to Terrax*

Terrax: Reports are in that everyone from Urkel to Lincoln are rising from the grave and infecting others with zombie taint. Here with us is HAMMER M.C. Norman Osborn with the latest.

Osborn: Thank you Terrax. Say, if you ever get tired of this roving reporter nonsense, how bout you join up with me. A fellow with your strong moral character would make a great Avenger.

Terrax: Thank you, flea, but once an Offender always an Offender. Now, dare you tell mighty Terrax the plans for dealing with this zombie plague?

Osborn: Of course. We urge private citizens to stay inside unless they are drunk and have access to firearms. The contagion is spread through exchange of bodily fluids. So use protection if you're going to have sex with a zombie. And finally, we now know the cause of all this. Preliminary reports said that a space probe returning from Venus had some radiation from an alien canister bounce off it and create a virus because there's no more room in hell. I mean, naturally right? But this was not the case....this was because of VICTOR VON DAMN DOOM!

*Doom spits his soda out*

Lex: I KNEW IT ALL ALONG! YOU VIPER!

Doom: Doom had no knowledge of this! That second rate version of me is LYING!

Lex: How do I know that?!!

Doom: Has anything been launched into the sun?

Lex: Hmm....it would appear you are right. But...why?

Doom: .....Doom knows. It happened like this.


*Doom remembers....sitting alone in a room....Emma Frost walks in*

Doom: Ms. Frost.

Emma: Keep your lewd thoughts to yourself!

Doom:

Emma: You were thinking it.

Doom: Doom has psi scramblers so how can you tell?

Emma: All men think about me. *puts her hand up and makes an L* LOO-SER!

Doom:....Well Doom can tell this is going to go well.

*Namor enters and stops....*

Namor: Well...this is awkward.

Doom: Doom knows about you and Sue, Namor. We no longer see each other save for a booty call every lunch break.

Namor: Fair enough, but Sue has also been seeing Emma. And I've been seeing Emma. Emma's seen Cyclops. Who's seen Jean, who's seen Wolverine, who's seen God only knows what. That and Emma has been with Tony Stark as well.

Emma: Oh you've seen them all too. I know all your secrets fish man

Namor: By Neptune, your haughtiness makes my loins yearn! LET'S MAKE A BABY!

*Namor spears Emma through the table*

Doom: Note to self: VD test.

*The Hood comes into the room, all filthy and dirty*

Hood: I got guns! bang bang! he shot me down! bang bang! You got a hood too?!!! You got any change?!!! I need crack! mmm mmm nummy nummy nummy CRACK!

Doom: Hmmm...Emma and Namor rutting....someone let a derelict into the room. How can this get more awkward?

*Loki appears*

Doom: Great Doom's Mother's Ghost! Loki? Is that you?

*Loki struts in with a giant rack, and high heels*

Loki: Indeed...Loki hath taken the time to....find herself and thus appears...well thusly!

Doom: Doom does not know which is more disturbing....that or that Doom is kinda turned on

*Emma sits up, scowling*

Emma: Finished again already.

Namor: Oh shut up, ice queen. Least I can have a reaction in bed.

Hood: Doomsie's got a hood too! Maybe he knows where to score some crack! I NEED IT!

Loki: Hast thou ever seen Basic Instinct?

Doom: That's it...Doom is out of here!

*Doom goes to leave....Norman Osborn stands in the way*

Osborn: Just one second...why don't you have a seat?

Doom: GASP! Chris Hansen!

Osborn:...I'm not Chris Hansen

Namor: Oh thank Neptune.

Osborn: I'm here to make you all a deal...a very lucrative deal.

Hood: Does it involve CRACK?!

Osborn: No.

Hood: You're welcome!

Doom: Wait...if he's not Chris Hansen, then who is he?

Loki: I hath no idea. Perhaps if I showeth some leg....

Emma: Maybe this is one of those other shows that are knockoffs of Dateline?

Namor: Neptune, I hope not.

Hood: Maybe some coke if you got it.

Osborn: *angrily* BECAUSE I TOLD YOU TO!....Because I told you to.

*everyone looks at Osborn then ignores him again*

Doom: Didn't they stop doing those shows because of the scandal?

Emma: Why don't you look it up on Wikipedia.

Doom: Oh that's funny coming from the woman who gets Jean Grey's sloppy seconds.

Namor: So.... gone through all the changes?

Loki: Aye.

Hood: I found a penny on the ground *eats it*

Osborn: I'm Norman Osborn damn it and I'm going to tell you what to do!

*everyone looks over at Osborn again....then they all start laughing violently*

Doom: AHAHAAHAHAHA!

Emma: Tee hee hee

Namor: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

Loki: tittereth tittereth

Hood: Meth is good.

*Osborn just stands there scowling*

Osborn: Stop it! I'm a big league villain now! I am! I've got someone outside this room who's all shadowy and will settle your hash!

Doom: AHAHAHAHAHA! OOOOH....sorry....wait, no Doom is not sorry. Doom is GIDDY! Norman Osborn....Norman #$&* Osborn?!!! That's too rich. The Spider-Man douchebag is trying to order Doom about....AHAHAHAHAHA! That's more rich than Ted Dibiase! That's funnier than a debate with Quanchi

Hood: I'm in his head.....platypus!

Osborn: Look, I'm a big player these days. We can deal and create a cabal to take over the world and--

Doom: Read Doom's tin plated lips: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Look, Doom is Dr. friggin' Doom here. I launch buildings into the sun and steal godhood every second Tuesday. Emma Frost was partially responsible for that whole Dark Phoenix thing. Namor regularly wages war on the surface world. Loki takes over Asgard. The crackhead has probably mugged more people than you've ever killed.

Hood: He's right.

Doom: Now, answer Doom this....what have YOU ever done?

Osborn: *shuffles foot and looks down* ....I threw a girl off a bridge one time.

Doom: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA! Doom once talked a girl into committing suicide once. Now, what else do you have?

Osborn: ......I don't want to say it.

Doom: Come on....we'll respect you then.

Osborn: ....The Clone Saga.

*Doom facepalms Osborn out of the way*

Doom: CHECK PLEASE! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

*Everyone files out, laughing as they go.....the Hood even stops and makes faces at Osborn*

Hood: Take that Mister McMeanManson

*Osborn slaps him away*

Osborn: No one invited you.




*the present*

Lex: Okay, but how do you know he's behind this and not just taking advantage of the chaos to try and eliminate you?

Doom: Well....



*the past*


Osborn: Go one! walk out! By God, I'll raise an army of the dead on you! Don't think I won't!

Doom: an army of the dead?!!! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!



*the present*

Lex: Oh.

Doom: Yes...this cannot go unpunished though. Luthor...Thanos....to me!

*Lex stands at one side, a weeping Thanos clutching the Marquis at the other*

Doom: Let us take care of business! Luthor....the mix tape.

*Lex pops a tape into one his armor....Back in Black starts to play....before tearing up in the player...Lex looks down*

Lex: I just don't believe in I-Pods okay?

Kang: I don't believe in any of you, mans!

Doom:....did you let Kang in? We don't need Kang. You know I'm just going to incinerate him.

Lex: One side Stiffler Worshipper....we don't have time for this.

Thanos: Stiffler was in Final Destination.....a movie about.....DEAAAAAATH!

Kang: 'Fraid not, home fries. I got a nice deal with Chris Hansen to take you all out in exchange for a new American Pie movie starring my Lord. So if that's what it takes, that's what it takes, duders.

Doom: You and what army?


*Lightning blows open the Castle*

"Shazombie!"

Lex: Sweet merciful Hackman.....Ares is going to flip

*Decomposing Captain Marvel, CM3, and Mary Marvel stand behind Kang*

Doom:......Marvel Zombies




*elsewhere*

Osborn: I'm in the big time now, wouldn'y you agree my shadowy compatriot?

*the camera pans over to Osborn's secret ally....but Osborn grabs it and makes it pan back to him*

Osborn: OOOOOOH NO! Not yet. We'll see how the reaction goes with this first.

Hood: But does the shadowy figure have any crack?

Osborn:....No but he has these

*Osborn hands the Hood several Oxycontin*

Hood: wow! OXYECUTE 'EM!

Osborn: Let's all hope he dies. *winks*             

[Kreuzritter]

"captain planet? why are you holding this press conference? aren't you supposed to be dead?"

"that was patrick swayze dammit!"

[AP]

This is some good craziness.

Honestly, I need to visit this forum more often.

[HalloweenJack]

*Kalibak floats through all the colors of the rainbow....he goes towards the light....a mulleted sillohuette ahead of him....he can almost make it out*

"When the time comes, I'll be there....but now you have to wake up."

Kalibak: But father, who are you father?

"Wake up....hey wake up Esse"

*Kalibak opens his eyes*

Kalibak: DADDY EDDY?!!

*Eddy Gurrerro stands above him, smirking*

Eddy: Yeah holmes, who else?

Kalibak: But daddy Eddy, what happened to that vacuum, father?!

Eddy: I rolled it down a hill.....CAUSE I'M YOUR PAPI!

Kalibak: I WAS WAITING FOR THAT, FATHER! Wait....Daddy Eddy...you're dead...and everyone that's dead is all evil and brain eaty father. So why aren't you, father?

Eddy: Well, when they brought me back as a Black Lantern I said I'd be evil and eat some brains.....

Kalibak:....

Eddy:....

Kalibak:....

Eddy....But I LIED holmes!

Kalibak: OMFG!



*elsewhere*

Kang: Whoo mans! Now you're all about to get Stifflered!

*Kang stands there with his Marvel zombies....Doom squints his eyes*

Doom: You appear to have the upper hand now Kang....but you've forgotten something.

Kang: What's that?

*Doom incinerates Kang*

Doom: Our running joke.

*A door opens and Kang walks back into the room*

Kang: Wassup mans?

Doom: ....what the?

Lex: You can't kill a time traveller, Victor.

Kang: We can kill you though mans! Get 'em zombiemeisters!

*Zombie Captain Marvel walks up to Lex Luthor*

Cap: BRAAAAAAAAINS

Lex: Ha. Go ahead and take you best shot, monster. My armor will protect m--

*Cap puts his fist through Lex's head*

Doom: HOLY CRAP MAN!

Kang: I knew it! I totally knew he didn't have a forcefield over his head!

Doom: Thanos! A little help here!

*Thanos sits there, crying and still holding the Marquis of Death*

Thanos: EMO! EMOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Doom: Accursed Richards! It looks like Doom is on his own! It matters little though! For I am Doom! you hear me?!! DOOOOOM!

*Zombie Mary Marvel smacks Doom into a wall*

Doom: ...ow.

*Zombie CM3 picks up Doom and does an airplane spin, releasing him into a clotheline from Zombie Captain Marvel...who then picks up a shaky Doom*

Doom: Saaay...would you like some advice on how to be a villain? Doom can surely help you th--

*Zombie Captain Marvel punches Doom through a wall, before striding over and hauling him up*

Doom: But mother....Doom doesn't want to go to school today. Doom wishes to stay home and practice sorcery with you.

Kang: Face it shit brick, you're outclassed.

*Doom incinerates Kang again......Kang walks back in through another door*

Kang: Okay, that's getting annoying, Jim Bob.

Doom: Sean William Scott sucks.

*Kang storms over to Doom in the grasp of the Marvel zombies and slaps him*

Kang: DON'T YOU EVER SAY THAT! EVER! THE STIFF MEISTER IS THE BOMB!

Doom: ....Role Models....sucked.

Kang: SHUT UP! SHUT UP!

Doom: Stiffler sucks.

Kang: You suck!

Doom: Stiffler sucks.

Kang: You suck!

Doom: Stiffler sucks.

Kang: You suck!

Doom: Duck season.

Kang: Rabbit season!

Doom: So you know Kang, I've changed my name to Death, Kang. And by the way, Stiffler sucks!

Kang: No! DEATH SUCKS!

*Thanos looks up from coddling the MoD....his eyes flash*

Doom: Heh. all too easy.



*Just then*

Hood: So, you know I stole a car and there was a dog barking in the backseat....but I ignored it cause I hear things all the time--

Osborn: Yes, yes. Of course. Here, have some nice Drano.

Hood: OOOOH!

*the Hood walks off with the Drano*

Osborn: Idiots. Oh well. We won't suffer them much longer will we?

*Looks over tyo his shadowy partner.....then forces the camera back onto him*

Osborn: What did I say last time? Hmmm?! Try to look at my darkly mysterious partner again and I'll toss your girlfriends off bridges, you hear me?

*camera nods*

Osborn: Good. Now let's watch the news shall we?

*Osborn turns on the TV*

Doc Ock: Sometimes Ultron, I think you want the zombies to win.

Ultron: Otto, you're not being fair. All I'm saying is that if we redistributed the wealth a bit then maybe zombies wouldn't rampage.

Ock: That's socialism! That's socialism! Just like your great 'president'. We have a time of crisis and where is he?

Ultron: Otto, that's beside the point--

Ock: Shockwave is in Norway begging Those Who Sit Above In Shadow for the next Olympic games! It sickens me when we obviously have bigger problems! Like zombies! You robo liberals will be the death of us!

Ultron: Now Otto--

Ock: Shockwave has done nothing since he got elected! Nothing!

Ultron: All this bashing is exactly why he's frozen out this network, Otto.

Ock: It's an opinion show Ultron!


Osborn: Hmmm....I liked Hannity better. *changes the channel*


Lois: This is Lois Lane. You're probably wondering why I'm on camera and not writing for a newspaper or web blog. Well that's because my sidekick and I beat up a blonde vampire and took his camera.




*a battered Spike lies in an alley*

Spike: ....I hate her..

Torch: Tell me about it man.



Lois: Print is dead, but will rise again if the events of today are any indication! The zombie outbreak continues unabated and you're all doomed! DOOMED!

Thing: Er Lois, dat ain't exactly professional journalism.

Lois: Just keep filming me or I give you summa this! *holds up fist*

Thing: Jeez Louise, fine.

Lois: You can bottle your water and eat your canned foods in your basement but it won't make a lick of difference! The zombies will win! They will! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

*in the background, some citizens are beating up a Black Lantern*

Thing: Uh Lois?

Lois: THE APOCALYPSE IS UPON US! NO HOPE! NO MERCY!

Thing: LOIS!

Lois: What?!!

*the Thing points behind her*

Lois: What....OH NO YOU DIDN'T!

*Lois pulls out a glock and starts to fire wildly at the people*

Lois: No one ruins one of my stories! Not nobody not no how!


Osborn: Hmmm. Better than Coulter. Nicer too. Still....this strip isn't exactly taking off is it? Halloween Jack, you've taken your eye off the ball, three hours of sleep or no. Update later when you're more awake. And make it funny.       

[HalloweenJack]

*Thanos stands above a pile of mutilated Marvel Zombies, and about twenty different bodies of Kang....who walks back in through the door*

Kang: Infinite timelines, mans!

*Thanos snaps his neck....Kang walks back in*

Kang: Infinite!

Doom: DOOM TIRES OF THIS CHARADE!

*incinerates Kang, then walks over and locks the door*

Kang: Hey mans, open the f'n door!

Doom: Good to see you've snapped out of your catatonia, old friend!

Thanos: No one talks about Death and lives! CRUSH! KILL! DESTROY!

Doom: Excellent. Now then, Lex let's---

*Lex is lying there, headless*

Doom: Oh. Right. He's dead.

Thanos: Here's some exposition while we think up a plan.




*elsewhere*

Kalibak: So you're saying HAMMER and the heroes are trying to fight off the zombies, right father?

Eddy: Exactly esse! But I don't trust Osborn, holmes! He seems like a liar, a cheat, and thief.

Kalibak:....

Eddy: I know, but I'm honest about it. Except when I lie.

Kalibak: So, father, do we try and join up with everyone else, father?

Eddy: Sure! Right after we handle that.

*a huge tank with spikes and several turrets rolls towards them....a Black Lantern standing atop it*

"BILLY MAYS HERE WITH A FANTASTIC NEW WAR MACHINE! This fantastic war machine can be yours for the low, low price of your lives! I'll give you pain, death, and bloodshed and even throw in the shells for free!!"

Kalibak: What an offer!

*Eddy palms his face as the guns turn towards he and Kalibak....suddenly.....the tank is lifted into the air*

Warrior: BEHOLD! They said I was mad when I didst boast that I could gorilla press a tank with the reanimated body of Billy Mays atop it! They laughed, LAUGHED, at me! But by Dagoth's eyes and the biceps of Hogan, who laughs now! Exclamation, not question!

*the Warrior tosses the tank into a building*

Warrior: Ho Spaniard! Though when last we met I beat you into a bloody pulp, I come in peace....starring Dolph Lundren!

*the Warrior punches Eddy*

Eddy: What the--?!!

Warrior: AHAHAHA! That is how we say hello in *snort* PARTS UNKNOOOOOOOWN! And this is how we say "the sky is blue".

*clotheslines Kalibak*

Kalibak: I like him!

Eddy: Uh...yeah.

Warrior: So....zombies. Pretty wild huh. I've blogged about this, but alas my blogs were unread, just as the labels on my anabolic steroid bottles were. That is why I replaced my brother when he had a heart attack and died.

Eddy: Yeah...uh...look we're going to get going. We have to try and deal with this whole thing and--

Warrior: Say no more, for I dislike your voice. And hither did Halloween Jack just give up on this for now, for it is said he only had three hours of sleep and shall be at work till 8 pm tonight.....filling in for one who didst call off....what trouble he did have getting to work this morning....the fools at the gas station did not turn the pumps on and stood around with a thunb up their asses as he did try to fill 'er up as they say! Allow me to walk with you and explain!

Kalibak: JOY!

Eddy:....*looks up* this is my punishment for trying to get custody of Rey's kid isn't it?     

[Master]

Cool story, bro. LITERALLY. This was long at times, but fucking great.

[Shang]

this is the most amazing thing i ever read!

[HalloweenJack]

*That Clash of the Titans remake trailer music blares loudly as a jet streaks overhead*

Doom: Washington, DC

*Thanos turns around, "Iceman" written on his helmet*

Thanos: Washington? How Can you be so sure that's where all of this is emanating from?

Doom: Do you know of any other place with more depraved blood drinkers?

Thanos: I guess I just defeated myself.....WHOA! LOOK AT THAT!

Doom: Doom knows....its Steve Irwin riding a Kryptonian Shark


*the Kryptonian Shark flies by, roaring as it does*

Irwin: OI! You're all fur coat and no trousers you chazzywackers!


Thanos: That's really more British than Australian.

*Doom narrows eyes and a piece of Kryptonite pops out of the plane's side....the Kryptonian shark starts to flag*

Irwin: ACTHUNG!

*Wile E. Coyote dust cloud*

Thanos: Well that's taken care of and....

*Thanos pauses....David Carradine is standing on the wing with a samurai sword*

*Doom scoffs and presses a button.....a hand comes up and strangles him...making him fall off the wing*

Thanos: You know Victor, when you prepare, you really prepare.

Doom: Dooms knows everything.....WTF MAN? WTF?!!!?


*Chris Benoit diving headbutts the cockpit of the jet, grinning toothlessly*

Thanos: Bank left! Bank left!

Doom: GAAAAAIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

*Dooms turns the jet upside down and Benoit falls to the city below*

Thanos: I think we're on the right trail.

Doom: Doom just about went to join Elizabeth after that one.

Thanos: Up ahead....its.....

Doom: The Bride vs Michael Myers Thread.....my God...they'll resurrect anything.


*A 70 plus page thread roars like Godzilla ahead of them....while down below....*

Kalibak: So father, what are we doing again father?

Eddie: Maaaan, I don't even know no more. I tell you holmes, since we hooked up with this guy its been getting crazy.

Warrior: Silence Inigo! I am on the female progenitor's fornicator! My brainsinews are flexing and pumping till they get so big you get sick of it...and you're gonna get sick of it! IN THE VEIN!

Eddie: Yeah, but what are you doing?

*Benoit hits the ground*

Eddie: Hey Chris.

*Benoit waves*

Warrior: A great neo-con incantation....now shhhh... Obama is president....you lose John Kerry.....BRAH BRAH BRAH!

*lightning strikes a grave.....and Warrior reaches down into the grave pulling out....Peter Graves*

Warrior: Shalom.

Graves: You come seeking wisdom do you adventurers? Well....listen well....Norman Osborn was born in 1924 in a small Brooklyn apartment....by the age of three his hair was circumsized as was Osborn tradition.

Kalibak: Oh father! This will take forever father!

Eddie: Hold up Holmes

*Eddie pulls out a TIVO remote*

Eddie: How far you thinkin' we need to go?

Warrior: Twenty fraks or so.

*Eddie fast forwards Peter Graves*

Graves: ---At which point, Norman Osborn and his mysterious, shadowy compatriot set up the headquarters of their zombie nightmare in the Watergate Hotel.

Warrior: Gadzooks...site of the revered Nixon's crucifiction! Have these jackals and catiefs have no shame! Do they not know this don't make the world RIIIIIGHT? *SNORT* Quickly....get on my stallion Pacycephalosaurus! We RIDE!

*Warrior grabs Eddie and Kalibak and rides away on a winnying cloud of dust*

Graves: They didn't even stick around to find out how to beat him. Tsk.

*Chris Benoit puts the Crossface on the Kryptonian Shark and makes it TAAAAAAP*


*Just then.....*

*Thanos and Dr. Doom are blasting their way through the Watergate, attacking every zombie that moves*

Thanos: To your right!

*Doom spins and blows the head off Benito Mussolini*

Doom: Doom's thanks....look out!

*Thanos spins, incinerating both John Lennon and George Harrison*

Thanos: Hmmm....no Paul.

*Doom looks down the hall and runs down it....for some reason it switches to Homer Simpson with a shotgun*

Homer: Take that Washington! *BLAM* Eat lead Einstein! *BLAM* Show's over Shakespere!

*Doom blows off Homer's head*

Doom: It was a mercy killing. Trust Doom.

Thanos: Uh Victor?

*Doom turns to see Thanos has been run through by a spear*

Doom: Thanos! The zombies got you with a spear!

Thanos: Actually no....it was an Italian Hulk Fan.

*Thanos falls over....x's over his eyes*

Doom: Blast! Doom is running out of second bananas! By my iron codpiece this storyline has gone on TOO LONG! IT IS ENDGAME!

*Doom kicks open some doors*

Hood: Doomsie! What'd ya bring me?! What'd ya bring me?!

*Doom holds out his hand slowly.....drops a crackpipe*

*The Hood smiles and runs for the crackpipe, grabbing it.....before being launched into the sun*

Osborn: So Doom....I see you came prepared.

Doom: More than enough for the likes of you.

*Osborn puts on his Iron Patriot helmet*

Osborn: You're going to die Doom.

Doom: And why is that?

Osborn: B--

Doom: BECAUSE I TOLD YOU TO! JINX!

*Osborn is taken back, goes to speak*

Doom: Ah ah. You can't say anything until someone says your name.

*Osborn puts hands on his hips*

Doom: Those are the rules.

*Osborn takes off his helmet and claps sarcasticly*

Doom: Don't clap for Doom, Osborn....instead....clap for YOUR Doom!

*Dooms holds out a gun*

"AHEEEEE!"

*the gun is knocked away....Doom turns....eyes go wide in fright*

Doom: By Richards' Ghost! You? YOU?!!! NOT YOU!!!!

*the shadowy figure stands revealed....as Michael Jackson*

MJ: Who's bad AH HOOO HOOOO?!!!

*Spins and puts on one glove....a loaded glove....and punches Doom across the room....Osborn pantomime laughs*

MJ: Let me tell you somethin muthafucker...Billie Jean is not my LUH-VUH....and now me and Norman Osborn---

Osborn: Thank you!

MJ:--are gonna rule the world? AH HEEE HEEE.....AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Doom: But...why?

Osborn: What it all comes down to Doom.....money. You'd understand that. Michael Jackson's death generated more pubilicity than anything else this fiscal year. Merchandise sales shot up to ridiculous degrees....when two weeks before, no one gave a damn.

MJ: And if that's just me....imagine what would happen if I brought everyone else back from the dead too?

Osborn: The recession would be over.

Doom: You diabolic....wait...how is this bad?

MJ: I'M BAD!!!

Osborn: Oh it wouldn't be at first. But then think about it....with all the money....all the good publicity and good memories....the undead would be poised to rule the world. No one would ever be able to stand against them without it looking bad on their part. Puppet regimes go into effect. The world is then held in my icy grip....and that's when the smear campaign against Spider-Man starts. Its always been about him. It always will be. I'm here to make his life hell.

Doom: This is all about petty vengeance against someone you know?

*Osborn nods*

Doom: Doom can actually respect that.

Osborn: A shame then that you have to die and stay dead. But I can't have any rivals.

MJ: Oh yeah...about that Norman....

*Osborn looks over at Michael Jackson*

*Jackson flips a quarter into Osborn's armor.....Osborn starts dancing uncontrollably*

MJ: I can't have any rivals either. AH HEE HEE.

Osborn: Smooth...criminal? I can't keep this pace up forever!!!

MJ: Kinda the point.

*Doom goes for a pistol....Jackson kicks it out of his hand, does the split, and punches Doom again*

MJ: ah ah ah.....AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Warrior: By the beard of Ox Baker! This is madness young woman!

*Jackson turns around....sees the Warrior, Kalibak, and Eddie Guerrero*

Eddie: chu know we can't let you go through with all this holmes!

Warrior: Fix the recession?!! Obama would get credit! I've never hated any foe until now....but thy transgressions fill me with the clarity of hate!

Kalibak: MRRRRRRRRAOW!

*Michael Jackson smiles....and starts dancing to Thriller....*

MJ: Oh please.....all dead things respond to my moves! AH HEE HEE! CHUGGANONGA!

*Eddie and the Warrior start doing Thriller too*

Eddie: What the--?! Oh where I'm dead....but how's he controlling you?!

Warrior: By the Nuge!!! My career....he's controlling my career!!!!! Curse your....eyes....are those eyes?

*Michael Jackson laughs *AH HEE HEE*....Doom is defeated....Eddie and Warrior are dancing....only Kalibak remains*

*Kalibak thinks back*

Kalibak: You....oh father....you! Father dropped me off at Neverland one time! AH FATHER....FATHER THE MEMORIES!

*Kalibak flashes back to having to watch Moonwalker while Bubbles ate his popcorn*

Kalibak: NOOOOOO! All alone! All alone!!!

*Kalibak falls....and finds himself on a beach....in his mind stupid......he notices two sets of footprints going down the beach....gradually two sets become one*

"I didn't leave you alone....that was the time in life when I carried you."

Kalibak: What?

"Do you believe?"

Kalibak: I--

"Do you believe?"

Kalibak:....Yes.

"Then say it."

Kalibak:.....HEART!

*Mati spits out his drink in the corner as a heavely glow shines down from the heavens*

Mati: Ah man....the ONE time it worked!

*down from the heavens descends....someone hidden in sillohuete or however you spell it....Michael Jackson smiles (if that's a mouth) unconcerned*

MJ: AH HEE HEE! Captain Planet huh? That's all you got?

"No....not Captain Planet."

*I....had....the time of my liiiiiiife....*

MJ: .....no.

Doom: Yes!

Eddie: ARIBA LA RAZA!

*Patrick Swayze steps out of the glow*

Swayze: Now you miserable jacked up, tin booted, plastic surgeon's nightmare.....LETS END THIS!

MJ: Your powers are WEAK SWAYZE!

*Jackson tears open his jacket and screams.....the force driving Swazye back....who struggles against it*

MJ: IT HURTS! IT HURTS!

Swayze: Pain don't hurt.

*Swayze punches the force away*

*Jackson starts punching through reality.....but Swayze punches through the punched through reality.....finally....Jackson starts to dance*

MJ: AH HEE HEE! Can't match me!!

*Swayze calmly, serenely, starts to....DIRTY DANCE*

MJ: *SQUEAL*

*Swayze dances slowly with Michael Jackson to Hungry Eyes*

MJ: I...had the time of my life.

*Patrick Swayze smiles.....then violently tears out Michael Jackson's throat....all the evil energy escaping into the sky.....zombies everywhere crumbling to dust*

Warrior: Forsooth...he truly is the King of Kings.

Doom: Doom...Doom doesn't know what happened here today.

Swayze: A lazy writer compressed at least two more chapters into one...but there is hope because its at least something. Tell everyone what you've seen. Go anywhere on these boards and listen. Soon the echoes of all our conversations will be heard. I believe that when we leave a place....part of us stays with it....and part of it leaves with us.....but I will admit that the part of me that is going will very much miss the part of you that is staying.


*Swayze rises into the air as the theme from Dragonheart plays and Doom and the others look up......Swayze erupts into several stars and shines down*

"And with that Doom and Kalibak did lead the people to a better tomorrow...and when they lost their way, they had but to look to the stars.*























*Osborn is dancing down the hall, but now its to Weapon of Choice by Fatboy Slim*

Osborn: AHA! I LOVE TO DANCE NOW!

*he passes a sitting up Thanos, trying to pull the spear from his body*

Thanos: Hmm....I guess I missed it. Well, I probably didn't miss much.

*a door is kicked in.....Lex Luthor's body stands there with a sign that reads "Build me a head"*

*Thanos look at the camera*

Thanos: DOOOON'T YOOOOOU BELIEEEEVE IT!


*Warner Brothers end card comes up with Captain Planet erupting through the drum*

Cap: BA-DE-BA-DE-BA-DE COOL STORY BRO!

dum dum dum dum dum DUUUUUUUM