A Black and Reigny Night
*Doom looks at monitors, staring at the carnage going on outside....zombies rising from the graves and attacking everything in sight*
Doom: Hmmm....it would appear the dead are rising through some unknown means. Every country in the Multiverse. Even my own beloved Latveria is not immune. All signs point to an amazing phenomena of serious metaphysical import. Come Thanos...we must act!
*Thanos sits rocking back and forth cradling the hissing Marquis of Death*
Thanos: Baby...I miss you...come back to me.
Doom: *sigh* Clearly Doom is on his own here.
*Lex Luthor suddenly runs in in his clunky vending machine armor and slams the door behind him....bags of Fritos and bottles of Sprite falling out of his armor*
Lex: Sweet Clancy Brown, have you seen what's going on out there? I'm up to my armpits in dead employees demanding backpay!
*Lex looks at the whimpering Thanos cradling the Marquis*
Lex: ....Victor, do you think Quan could spin this as a feat of Thanos overpowering the Marquis of Death?
Doom: SILENCE HELMETLESS ONE! Doom is trying to get to the bottom of this debacle
Lex: Maybe they're Black Lanterns.
Doom: Black Lanterns?
Lex: You didn't hear?
Doom: Halloween Jack is a lazy bum. Black Lanterns? REALLY?!
Lex: I'm afraid so.
Doom: Doom is gone for one measly year and someone goes and screws up the status quo. What's next? A Red Hulk?
Lex:.....Why don't we try getting to the bottom of this? Isn't that your news network?
*Doom looks to the screen*
Terrax: CRINGE BEFORE ME! I am Terrax the Tamer! Reporter for DNN. Today your craven world has been invaded by rotting mounds of grave spawned filth wandering the streets in a desperate search for delicious brains. For most, this is a moment of abject terror....for others....this is AWESOME!
*cut to a clip of Stone Cold Steve Austin sitting on top of a pick up truck with a shotgun*
Austin: Think you're gettin' away son? EH EH! You bet your bottom dollar you ain't! Yer just Condemned!
*Austin blows various zombies away....while Kane collects them via a wheel barrel*
Kane: If this is Mark just showing off again, I'm going to kill him. AGAIN.
*the scene changes to Darkseid pulling over a semi truck with Kalibak and that damn Vacuum Cleaner with Jesse's Ashes sitting in his passenger side seat*
Kalibak: Father, I don't think this is the Bandit here father.
Darkseid: Quiet you little sumbitch.
JA-VC: whee whee boop boop
Kalibak: Father, the little pot says he's in misery father
Darkseid: Quiet! I'm gonna wrangle up this damned Bandit out of this truck and be done with this stupid Smokey and the Bandit running joke once and for all!
*Darkseid waddles out of his squad car and up to the truck*
Darkseid: Now do you have any idea how fast you were---
Zombie Jerry Reed: RAAAAARH! Eastbound and down! *followed by little musical notes*
*Darkseid poofs into non existence*
Kalibak: Father? Where have you gone father?
JA-VC: boop boop whee whee
*Kalibak looks over to the vacuum cleaner training several large guns on him*
*elsewhere several Autobots stand by Hot Rod and console him*
Arcee: Oh Hot Rod, I can't believe it....Optimus Prime was a zombie the whole time
Hot Rod: Yeah....yeah....its a....its a shock all right.
Kup: And ya say that you beat him all by yourself?
Hot Rod:.....yep. No lies here.
*Megatron tries crawling out of the rubble*
Megatron: It....it was me....I just used him as a shield.
*Starscream quickly fires on Megatron*
Starscream: Lucky I was here, otherwise that...er...zombie Megatron would have done you in too.
Hot Rod: Right. We're very lucky. Its not like we planned this or anything. *cough*
Kup: But wait...we're robots how can we become zombies?
*Hot Rod and Starscream look around and shoot Kup too*
Hot Rod: Wow...even Kup was a zombie.
Starscream: Its shocking is what it is.
Arcee: Oh you guys are SO brave!
Hot Rod: That we are. Now, what say we crack open Prime for the Matrix, then show Arcee here The Touch
*back to Terrax*
Terrax: Reports are in that everyone from Urkel to Lincoln are rising from the grave and infecting others with zombie taint. Here with us is HAMMER M.C. Norman Osborn with the latest.
Osborn: Thank you Terrax. Say, if you ever get tired of this roving reporter nonsense, how bout you join up with me. A fellow with your strong moral character would make a great Avenger.
Terrax: Thank you, flea, but once an Offender always an Offender. Now, dare you tell mighty Terrax the plans for dealing with this zombie plague?
Osborn: Of course. We urge private citizens to stay inside unless they are drunk and have access to firearms. The contagion is spread through exchange of bodily fluids. So use protection if you're going to have sex with a zombie. And finally, we now know the cause of all this. Preliminary reports said that a space probe returning from Venus had some radiation from an alien canister bounce off it and create a virus because there's no more room in hell. I mean, naturally right? But this was not the case....this was because of VICTOR VON DAMN DOOM!
*Doom spits his soda out*
Lex: I KNEW IT ALL ALONG! YOU VIPER!
Doom: Doom had no knowledge of this! That second rate version of me is LYING!
Lex: How do I know that?!!
Doom: Has anything been launched into the sun?
Lex: Hmm....it would appear you are right. But...why?
Doom: .....Doom knows. It happened like this.
*Doom remembers....sitting alone in a room....Emma Frost walks in*
Doom: Ms. Frost.
Emma: Keep your lewd thoughts to yourself!
Emma: You were thinking it.
Doom: Doom has psi scramblers so how can you tell?
Emma: All men think about me. *puts her hand up and makes an L* LOO-SER!
Doom:....Well Doom can tell this is going to go well.
*Namor enters and stops....*
Namor: Well...this is awkward.
Doom: Doom knows about you and Sue, Namor. We no longer see each other save for a booty call every lunch break.
Namor: Fair enough, but Sue has also been seeing Emma. And I've been seeing Emma. Emma's seen Cyclops. Who's seen Jean, who's seen Wolverine, who's seen God only knows what. That and Emma has been with Tony Stark as well.
Emma: Oh you've seen them all too. I know all your secrets fish man
Namor: By Neptune, your haughtiness makes my loins yearn! LET'S MAKE A BABY!
*Namor spears Emma through the table*
Doom: Note to self: VD test.
*The Hood comes into the room, all filthy and dirty*
Hood: I got guns! bang bang! he shot me down! bang bang! You got a hood too?!!! You got any change?!!! I need crack! mmm mmm nummy nummy nummy CRACK!
Doom: Hmmm...Emma and Namor rutting....someone let a derelict into the room. How can this get more awkward?
Doom: Great Doom's Mother's Ghost! Loki? Is that you?
*Loki struts in with a giant rack, and high heels*
Loki: Indeed...Loki hath taken the time to....find herself and thus appears...well thusly!
Doom: Doom does not know which is more disturbing....that or that Doom is kinda turned on
*Emma sits up, scowling*
Emma: Finished again already.
Namor: Oh shut up, ice queen. Least I can have a reaction in bed.
Hood: Doomsie's got a hood too! Maybe he knows where to score some crack! I NEED IT!
Loki: Hast thou ever seen Basic Instinct?
Doom: That's it...Doom is out of here!
*Doom goes to leave....Norman Osborn stands in the way*
Osborn: Just one second...why don't you have a seat?
Doom: GASP! Chris Hansen!
Osborn:...I'm not Chris Hansen
Namor: Oh thank Neptune.
Osborn: I'm here to make you all a deal...a very lucrative deal.
Hood: Does it involve CRACK?!
Hood: You're welcome!
Doom: Wait...if he's not Chris Hansen, then who is he?
Loki: I hath no idea. Perhaps if I showeth some leg....
Emma: Maybe this is one of those other shows that are knockoffs of Dateline?
Namor: Neptune, I hope not.
Hood: Maybe some coke if you got it.
Osborn: *angrily* BECAUSE I TOLD YOU TO!....Because I told you to.
*everyone looks at Osborn then ignores him again*
Doom: Didn't they stop doing those shows because of the scandal?
Emma: Why don't you look it up on Wikipedia.
Doom: Oh that's funny coming from the woman who gets Jean Grey's sloppy seconds.
Namor: So.... gone through all the changes?
Hood: I found a penny on the ground *eats it*
Osborn: I'm Norman Osborn damn it and I'm going to tell you what to do!
*everyone looks over at Osborn again....then they all start laughing violently*
Emma: Tee hee hee
Loki: tittereth tittereth
Hood: Meth is good.
*Osborn just stands there scowling*
Osborn: Stop it! I'm a big league villain now! I am! I've got someone outside this room who's all shadowy and will settle your hash!
Doom: AHAHAHAHAHA! OOOOH....sorry....wait, no Doom is not sorry. Doom is GIDDY! Norman Osborn....Norman #$&* Osborn?!!! That's too rich. The Spider-Man douchebag is trying to order Doom about....AHAHAHAHAHA! That's more rich than Ted Dibiase! That's funnier than a debate with Quanchi
Hood: I'm in his head.....platypus!
Osborn: Look, I'm a big player these days. We can deal and create a cabal to take over the world and--
Doom: Read Doom's tin plated lips: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Look, Doom is Dr. friggin' Doom here. I launch buildings into the sun and steal godhood every second Tuesday. Emma Frost was partially responsible for that whole Dark Phoenix thing. Namor regularly wages war on the surface world. Loki takes over Asgard. The crackhead has probably mugged more people than you've ever killed.
Hood: He's right.
Doom: Now, answer Doom this....what have YOU ever done?
Osborn: *shuffles foot and looks down* ....I threw a girl off a bridge one time.
Doom: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA! Doom once talked a girl into committing suicide once. Now, what else do you have?
Osborn: ......I don't want to say it.
Doom: Come on....we'll respect you then.
Osborn: ....The Clone Saga.
*Doom facepalms Osborn out of the way*
Doom: CHECK PLEASE! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
*Everyone files out, laughing as they go.....the Hood even stops and makes faces at Osborn*
Hood: Take that Mister McMeanManson
*Osborn slaps him away*
Osborn: No one invited you.
Lex: Okay, but how do you know he's behind this and not just taking advantage of the chaos to try and eliminate you?
Osborn: Go one! walk out! By God, I'll raise an army of the dead on you! Don't think I won't!
Doom: an army of the dead?!!! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Doom: Yes...this cannot go unpunished though. Luthor...Thanos....to me!
*Lex stands at one side, a weeping Thanos clutching the Marquis at the other*
Doom: Let us take care of business! Luthor....the mix tape.
*Lex pops a tape into one his armor....Back in Black starts to play....before tearing up in the player...Lex looks down*
Lex: I just don't believe in I-Pods okay?
Kang: I don't believe in any of you, mans!
Doom:....did you let Kang in? We don't need Kang. You know I'm just going to incinerate him.
Lex: One side Stiffler Worshipper....we don't have time for this.
Thanos: Stiffler was in Final Destination.....a movie about.....DEAAAAAATH!
Kang: 'Fraid not, home fries. I got a nice deal with Chris Hansen to take you all out in exchange for a new American Pie movie starring my Lord. So if that's what it takes, that's what it takes, duders.
Doom: You and what army?
*Lightning blows open the Castle*
Lex: Sweet merciful Hackman.....Ares is going to flip
*Decomposing Captain Marvel, CM3, and Mary Marvel stand behind Kang*
Osborn: I'm in the big time now, wouldn'y you agree my shadowy compatriot?
*the camera pans over to Osborn's secret ally....but Osborn grabs it and makes it pan back to him*
Osborn: OOOOOOH NO! Not yet. We'll see how the reaction goes with this first.
Hood: But does the shadowy figure have any crack?
Osborn:....No but he has these
*Osborn hands the Hood several Oxycontin*
Hood: wow! OXYECUTE 'EM!
Osborn: Let's all hope he dies. *winks*